WEST SEATTLE, Washington, July 31, 2009 (WSFB) – July brought with it many good fortunes and some heartbreaks as well. This is our tribute to July 2009.
Early in the month, we suggested you pull our finger for fireworks. Many of you did, and for that we are eternally grateful. Shortly thereafter we paid tribute to the late great Michael Jackson, and wept a bit as well. While mourning Michael’s passing, the fucking aliens attacked and fucked up our shit pretty bad – but we bounced back like usual.
Right when we thought things couldn’t get any worse the North Koreans – assisted by a local rival communist blog – hit our humble site with a DDOS attack. You’d think we wouldn’t be able to recover, but we totally did. We spun around and reported on the last old hippie in Morgan Junction undergoing cryogenic suspension.
As the second week of July matured, we announced plans for the 100,000 German Shepherd Dog security detail at the West Seattle Summer Fest. When the WSSF kicked off, we were there for 2 of the 3 days. We never drink on Sundays.
We told you about Jessica Simpson being dumped by Tony Roma, even though it broke our hearts to watch our favorite sometimes plump celebrity endure the pain. We can’t help but feel she’s routinely misunderstood by the mainstream media and local rival communist bloggers.
When crime hit an all time high, we made sure you knew it was the Megatron and the other bad Transformers who were responsible. Around that time we announced our first sponsor.
Our yelp.com review of Taboo Video in White Center was banned, of course, because the yelp community can’t handle the fucking truth. We had to remind the yelp community that James Brown was still dead – morons – and we were good enough to let everyone in West Seattle know the Chinese were going door to door collecting mortgages in full. We are about community.
July brought us our first annual t-shirt contest (parts 1 & 2), and the announcement that Lionel Richie would be recording a memorial album featuring several recently deceased entertainers. We broke the story on how displaced homeless would be used for bio-fuel, and how Fergie attempted to sneak a sandwich into a Dodger game in LA. You think with the kinda money that bitch has, she’d just pay the $8 for a Dodger dawg.
We saw the passing of the Taco Bell chihuahua, our first political endorsement, the wholesale marketing of body snatcher pods, our first international science article, armed robots deployed to keep the peace, approval of the fattest Supreme Court Justice nominee in U.S. history, and our first public open letter to the Seattle Police Department.
By the end of the month, we were melting in triple digit record setting high temperatures and cursing the sunshine for the brutal reality of life in the age of global warming and extended daylight savings. Everything was fine before Al Gore let the proverbial cat out of the bag with his inconvenient and irregardless truth.
All in all, it was a good month and we look forward to the good things that August will bring as we wind down the summer and get ready for the long and savage winter.
