WEST SEATTLE, Washington, July 27, 2009 (WSFB) – Armed robots from the Federal Emergency Management Agency (FEMA) were activated this morning and deployed in West Seattle via amphibious personnel carriers landing on Alki Beach.
A stunned citizenry watched as the approximately 200 FEMAbots exited the APC and motored towards shore.
“We hoped we’d never see this day” says Alki Beach resident Jaan “Happy Ending” Steelersen. “Especially in a post-George W. Bush world.”
As temperatures are expected to soar into the mid-100’s this week, the West Seattle population has become restless with anxiety, as evident on a local rival blog. “Is the heat making you hot or is it just my hot flashes flaring up?” quips Jonas O. Bolgus, rival blog forum elder.
While specifics of the FEMAbot patrol protocol were not released to the public, a local rival blog comprised mainly of communists and communist sympathizers began an impromptu “FEMAbot TRACK” thread on their forum, effectively using the citizenry as a means to track the robot’s every move.
The communists were quickly rounded up and disposed of – humanely – then posthumously charged with the Federal crime of “failure to comply with information lockdown”.
Armed with both lethal and non-lethal weapons, the FEMAbot is a military grade robot with practical civilian applications such as civilian population control during the extreme heat emergency facing West Seattle right now.
The lethal arsenal consists of the following:
- (1) Heckler & Koch MP5 Sub-machine gun (.40 cal. Smith & Wesson)
- (1) Benelli M4 Shotgun (12 gauge)
- (4) FGM-148 Javelin Surface-to-Air Missiles
The non-lethal arsenal consists of the following:
- (37) Tear Gas Canisters
- (22) eXtended Range Electro-Muscular Projectiles
- Articulated Robot Arm with 6-foot Baton
FEMAbots are also capable of using organic matter for fuel and can consume 50 pounds of “food” per hour and operate indefinitely with an adequate supply (approximately 300 pounds of “food” per 24-hour cycle). This is being touted as “integral to the public health calamity currently being realized in West Seattle” as the literally thousands of corpses littering the streets will be quickly and humanely disposed.
The FEMAbots were deployed under Executive Order by President Obama and have been equipped with holographic and audio equipment containing the President’s image and pre-recorded messages engineered to provide a calming affect to the populace it encounters. Holographic images of President Obama’s innauguration and audio clips from the landmark “Yes WE Can!” rally during the campaign season are at the top of the playlist.
If you encounter a FEMAbot prior to curfew, it is recommended you lie on the ground with your hands and feet outstretched while clearly stating “I understand and will comply with your commands”. If you are out of your home past the 10:00PM PDT (GMT-8:00) curfew, you will be incapacitated with an eXtended Range Electro-Muscular Projectile and if you resist you will also be beaten with the 6-foot baton.
It is recommended that you do not leave your home after 9:59:59PM PDT (GMT-8:00), for your own safety.
