Rachel Uchitel ~ Yeah you would...

ORLANDO, Florida, November 30, 2009 (WSFB) – He’s back. He’s black. He golfs and shloinks super-Swede models. Life is good.

Yet, times are tough in Florida for golfing’s own self-appointed Master of Kickassmanship, Tiger Woods.

Thanksgiving usually ends with pumpkin pie and a nap, but this year marked something different for the Woods household. Black Friday now has a whole new meaning: Tiger Woods shanking his SUV into a T-R-EE!

At 2:25 AM on Friday, Tiger drove his Cadillac Escalade into a neighbors tree after clipping a fire hydrant in the exclusive gated Windermere suburb of Orlando, FL. He was rescued from the non-fiery, non-inferno by his wife and supermodel, Elin Nordegren, who broke out the back window with…. a golf club.

I’m not shitting you. If I were, I would have eaten you first.

Tiger sustained injuries including a concussion and a broken back Cadillac window, both considered non-life threatening by doctors at Cedar Sinai Hospital in Los Angeles, who had nothing to do with the incident.

“Tiger is coherent and aware of the situation,” said Cedars Sinai representative Kevin Johnson. “We’re pretty sure that he’s still able to compete in California’s Chevron World Challenge at the Sherwood Country Club in Thousand Oaks, California this Monday. That’s here in California, by the way.”

Johnson was then pistol-whipped for being a major suck-up douchebag.

Speculation among the sports world is swirling with theories that Tiger suffered from LTS (L-Tryptophan Syndrome) or perhaps was accosted by Nordegren for his alleged improprieties with Rachel Uchitel, a New York hottie socialite with a funny last name. It is also speculated that the injuries to Tiger’s upper and lower lips were inflicted by Nordegren, who then grabbed a pitching wedge and chased Tiger out into the driveway.

Tiger’s public relations rep had this to say: “Tiger has and will continue his quest for a hole-in-one. Elin supports him in this endeavor and will now caddy for him, beginning in Thousand Oaks.”

Said Nordegren, “I’ll carry his sticks, but he can wash his own balls. Lying, fucking bast….”