"You think you scored? Who's scoring now?"
SAN FRANCISCO, California, November 30, 2009 (WSFB-AC) – Recent evidence has surfaced proving once and for all what we have long suspected about the game of soccer: it’s here, and it’s queer.
Theories of soccer’s homosexuality first surfaced in 1983 when then 9th grader Kevin Johnson skipped the school basketball tryouts in favor of the fledgling soccer team. In the cafeteria that afternoon, senior Ray Toney kicked Johnson squarely in the testicles and laughed, “Soccer? That is so gay.” Since that day many have believed that soccer is indeed a homosexual.
The speculation gained further steam in the late 1980’s when European players began the custom at the end of a match of stripping their musky, sweaty jerseys off of their lean, sculpted and hairless chests, glistening with moisture and what we can only imagine to be cocoa butter and embracing each other – beautifully, hotly, and with just a hint of passionate violence.
Soccer, or “football” as the sport is known in homosexual circles, is also full of overly dramatic nancies who are frequently seen wearing Capri pants and carrying “satchels” while out on the town.
The rumors were finally confirmed with the emergence of a recent photograph in which soccer appears to be engaging in homosexual activity.
However, in a possible sign that the world has evolved at least slightly since 1983, soccer’s recent confirmation that it does in fact live as a “happy, healthy, gay sport” has not affected its popularity at all. Those dire warnings about how coming out of the closet can destroy a sport’s viability seem like archaic and threadbare platitudes. Soccer remains incredibly popular, especially in extremely gay places like France and Italy.
