WEST SEATTLE, Washington, December 19, 2009 (WSFB) –  Editors Note:  Usually we throw Opinion pieces under the Opinion section but since this is sports opinion just deal with it, ok?   And now we’re explaining ourselves for our actions, fantastic.  Maybe we have lost our edge.  Just leave us alone, ok?  Get off our back already…

The Seattle Mariners recently acquired three new players over the last week; Chone Figgins, Cliff Lee and Milton Bradley, leaving local fans simultaneously praising General Manger Jack Zduriencik as well as asking him “What the fuck?”

One of these guys really wants to be in a Seattle Mariner uniform.  One of these guys apparently doesn’t.  And let’s just say one of these guys will probably end up doing his own thing, kind of like the odd kid out in the Sesame Street song.

Chone (pronounced “Shawn” as in my name is Shawn “don’t call me chone”) Figgins was the first to arrive in Seattle last week, and was introduced to the media where he cried his eyes out over the fact that the Mariners organization targeted him in free agency, saying it was great to be wanted.  Apparently the Angels, who decided not to resign Figgins, wanted to spend their money on rally monkeys.  First off this is an excellent signing for the Mariners.  Shawn don’t call me Chone Figgins was an all-star last year, he steal bases left and right, plays multiple positions plus his size is pretty much completely adorable.  When the Chone Figgins bobblehead comes out it might be actual size.  We’re paying this little dude $36 million over four years and Mariners fans should be completely ecstatic over this one as he’s one of the better utility players in the majors.  The article last Tuesday in the Seattle Times makes him look like Beattlejuice from the  Howard Stern Show, but trust me he’s going to be a great addition to the team.

Cliff Lee was the second major acquisition the Mariners made over the course of a week.  The Mariners traded a trio of prospects to the Phillies for one year of Lee’s services.  Various new outlets reported that he was “shocked” by the trade, and that he was completely happy on the Phillies and wanted to end his career there.  His agent claimed he didn’t know anything about a trade prior to the deal, and Lee ended up taking the news hard enough to think he was being sentenced to 50 years hard labor at a Siberian concentration camp.

While not at all true, this is probably how his initial conversation with his agent, Darek Braunecker went:

Braunecker:  “Hi Cliff it’s Darek, how’s the hunting going?”

Lee:  “I told you never to call me while I’m on vacation unless something really horrible happened Darek.”

Braunecker:  “Um…..yeah you see that’s the thing Cliff…”

Lee:  “What?  Is it my family? Are they alright?”

Braunecker:  “Oh totally, your wife is right here, I mean they’re fine it’s just, well Cliff….you got traded.”

Lee:  “Traded?  Wait, traded? I just helped the Phillies win a world series and they trade me?  I won the fucking Cy Young a couple years ago, how could you let this happen?  You’re supposed to not let this stuff happen Darek!”

Braunecker:  “I know, I kind of wasn’t paying attention to this email that they sent and one thing led to another..”

Lee:  “Fuck.  Ok.  Well they must have sent me to a contender at least?  Darek?  Darek are you still there?”

Braunecker:  “Listen Cliff, it’s not like you got traded to Toronto or anything that shitty, I mean how do you feel about Bigfoot?  That shit is kind of crazy right?  Really interesting topic.”

Lee: “Seattle?  Fucking-A Darek, fucking Seattle?  Are you fucking kidding me?  They’ve been rebuilding since they day they started as a team Darek, fuck!  I don’t even know where that is on a fucking map, man.  God fucking dammit Darek, Seattle?  Are you serious?”

Braunecker:  “You gotta calm down Cliff, you can’t get off on the wrong foot with the media here, or the fans.  These fans have lived through Carl Everett, Kevin Mitchell, Vince Coleman and Erik Bedard. Erik Bedard, Cliff!  He’s like the biggest bust ever, plus he’s Canadian.  If you play this right you’ll be a hero there, you know Franklin Gutierrez is on the team right?  Remember him from Cleveland?”

Lee:  “Franklin barely speaks English Darek!  Seattle?  Really Darek?  I heard Ichiro is a total dick!”

Braunecker:  “Listen, you go to Seattle, play one year, opt out and then you’re with the Yankees, I guarantee it.”

Lee:  “Fuck you Darek, I’m calling Boras (hangs up the phone).”

Braunecker:  “Fuck.”

You get the picture.  Hopefully Lee will be an outstanding addition to the Mariners rotation, a true right handed punch to Felix Hernandez’s lefty hook.  As long as he doesn’t turn into a sullen, skinnier version of Erik Bedard or fake an injury every other day Lee might take us to the AL West title.

And that leaves us with Milton Bradley.  The guy swings a mean bat when he wants to, but he also is know for his temper.  He’s known for on the field temper tantrums, including one in 2007 where he tore his ACL simply by arguing with an umpire.  My theory, though never proven, is that his head got so hot that fire shot down through his nerves and turned his ACL into ash.  It was recently reported that when the Cubs players learned of Bradley being traded they all gave a standing ovation at hearing the news.  There are two situations here that could play out for the Mariners.

Option A – Bradley slips into the number three hole and gets mentored by Ken Griffey Jr.  He hits 42 home runs, has an outstanding on base percentage and become completely a star in the community.  No blow ups on the field, no controversy off.  He turns his professional image around kind of like Johnny Lawrence at the end of The Karate Kid where he tells Daniel Larusso that he’s “alright” after Daniel crane kicked the shit out of him.  Sometimes a moment of humility is all it takes to win over the crowd and change people’s perception of you.

Option B – Bradley gets upset at a call and punches out the home plate umpire.  The catcher tries to intervene and Bradley punches him too.  Then both dugouts clear and Bradley punches everyone, kind of like Neo in The Matrix.  Then the fans get upset at seeing their favorite players punched out and Bradley proceeds to punch everyone else in the entire stadium. Bradley then turns to professional wrestling and adopts the ring name “The Game”.

If Milton Bradley turns into an Option A kind of guy, Cliff Lee realizes Seattle has a decent shot at the AL West title and Chone Figgins just keeps playing his little heart out it could be a fun year for the Mariners.  By the end of the year Jackie Z will either look like a genius, or he’ll be hearing the quiet, polite boos of Mariners fans.