AUSTIN, Texas, December 22, 2009 (WSFB-AC) – Hey babe.  Yeah, it’s me.  The 80’s.  How’s it going?  Yeah, me too.

Listen, I’m just going to come right out and say this.  I love you.  We belong together.  Baby, please come back.

Come on, don’t give me that look.  You know we were great together.  I mean, we had some amazing times, didn’t we?  Think how great things were for us back then.  Duran Duran was huge. Asymmetrical haircuts were for cool club people, not mopey Emo douchebags. Women’s clothes had shoulder pads that would make the defensive line of the NY Giants jealous. Michael Jackson was alive and only vaguely creepy.

And cocaine!  Cocaine was everywhere!  You could barely walk by a bathroom stall without someone dragging you in to do a bump or two.  Cocaine was fucking awesome!

Oh, sorry.  I forgot you never liked the coke all that much.  And yeah, I admit I might have liked it a bit too much.  But I’m over that now.  And don’t go getting all superior now: when you left me and started hanging out with the 90’s what the hell did he do?  Mumble and scream a lot, dress in flannel, and get loaded on heroin, that’s what.  No fucking style.

Look, I know there are some things I can never undo, some mistakes I made that you might never be able to forgive.  I admit I’m sort of responsible for that humanoid herpes flareup Madonna.  Maybe infecting you the blueprint for the uber-cougar wasn’t such a great gift.  I wish there was a prescription that could clear that up for you, sweetie.  I really do.  And I guess the endless nuclear threat and the remnants of the Cold War kinda sucked, but at least we had Communists.  What do you guys have or be afraid of now?  Terrorists?  Carbon fucking dioxide? We had an entire nuclear power.  I mean, we made — and watched! — Red Dawn, we were so scared.

But look — I’m really sorry.  I am.  I’m sorry for putting you through Pauly Shore.  And The Brat Pack.  And Hair Metal.  If I could, I’d take them all back.  And I guess there’s no way to apologize for Huey Lewis.  Some things are just … too much to let go.  I can’t expect you to just let everything slide.

But I wish you’d try, baby.  You know we were awesome together.

Call me?  Please?