WEST SEATTLE, Washington, September 28, 2009 (WSFB) – With the recent population explosion in the squirrel community, we felt it our duty as a community service to let the good people of West Seattle know how to handle themselves if confronted with one of these wild and dangerous creatures.
First things first: understand their motivation. Squirrels are very upset at you and every other human at this point in their specie’s history.
They pass down tales from generation to generation about how weak and useless humans are, and about how they wish for nothing more than the human race to wither and fall.
The modern squirrel is a wily and unpredictable creature. Having evolved and adapted to urban human society, the squirrel is likely to stalk and size up its victims before the first savage attack.
Squirrel attacks often occur in broad daylight with the unsuspecting human stopping to admire the apparently majestic little creature and perhaps even offering food, which is the first – and last – mistake the victim makes.
Modern squirrels are unable to resist the offer of food from a human being and they’ve come to recognize this as the first sign of weakness.
The squirrel will approach slowly at first, its fluffy little tail gently trailing behind as it hops closer and closer until it reaches optimal striking distance. Once inside the strike zone the squirrel will make a series of chortling sounds; this is your last warning before the squirrel makes its attack. When the chortling stops the carnage begins.
Adroit squirrels understand human physiology and know the face and neck as areas where the most damage can be inflicted in the least amount of time.
Using its superior agility, the artful squirrel scales your clothing and races towards your head. The first damaging blow is inflicted by the squirrel’s razor sharp claws to the area on your neck where the jugular vein resides just below the surface, effectively stripping away protective layers of skin and exposing flesh.
The squirrel then opens its small yet amazingly well-adapted jaws to reveal several rows of surgically precise teeth it then uses to expeditiously remove your eyes and optic nerves.
Once the squirrel has immobilized you and rendered you defenseless, it signals to other squirrels from its pack who assemble and make quick work of consuming all your flesh while you are still completely alive and conscious of the entire horrific and morose ordeal.
This is the worst possible form of death known to mankind. You’d be better served to avoid squirrels altogether, and if you’re able, to destroy every one you come across in order to save humanity from this savage little beast.
