WEST SEATTLE, Washington, June 22, 2009 (WSFB) – With the end of the 2008-2009 school year last Friday, thousands of local kids take to the street and begin their summer ritual of crime and mayhem.

Property crime saw a dramatic increase since 2:01PM Friday afternoon as hordes of children departed school and immediately began lashing out at society for learning absolutely nothing of value during the school year. “I have learned the SAME THING for the past three years and I don’t see how any of this is going to help me in life” exclaims Yjan Smordley, recent 8th grade graduate at James Mendleton Middle School.

The most heinous crime thus far was one perpetrated against an overweight elderly woman, where her turkey sandwich was snatched from her hands mid-bite then thrown across the street and quickly retrieved by one of West Seattle’s thousands of homeless people. “We wanted to report this as a hate crime” says Meld Hamletsen, granddaughter of the victim, “but we learned that fat people are not a protected class and are therefore fair game.”

Local police attempted to contain the crime wave to Alki beach, but were overwhelmed by the number of people attending the unofficial last day of school activities there. “We only have four cars in this precinct, and all of them were dispatched to Alki as we received a tip from a 5th grader that there was going to be a drive by shooting” says Sgt. Clarn Borgelsen of WSPD.

Fortunately there were no assaults or muders. However, this summer has been coined the “summer of blood” by the 6th grade graduating class at Pigeon Heights Elementary, so parents are advised to work together in shifts to ensure someone is on watch at all times and that any suspicious or borderline activity is reported immediately to the police.