Fumble with it, use it, burn rubber
WEST SEATTLE, Washington, October 5, 2011 (WSFB) – In our continued effort to aid the citizens of West Seattle, we’d like to take a moment to remind you about safe sex.
The West Seattle Funblog is out and about, in the streets with the peeps, and we see your funflirting firsthand. Your mother and I talked about you in bed this morning, and she asked me to have a word.
Please be seated for 10 helpful reminders about Safe Sex.
1. Abstinence is the most effective way of preventing STD’s. Yeah, whatever. That’s why we listed this one first. A handy slogan like “STD’s put the ew in screwing” won’t work with you. Let’s move on.
2. Use a condom. Some of the worst diseases and viruses come from fluid transfer. Crying on shoulders and sharing drinks are prime transfer modes. First, don’t cry. Second, put a condom on your drink! Poke a little hole in and use it like a baby bottle. It’s cute and won’t scare off the suitors, but will discourage others from drinking your delicious Feedback Lounge beverage. Do NOT use this condom later. There’s a hole in it.
3. Avoid having multiple partners. Yes, you like to get down and you like to booooo-gie, typically at the Yen Wor for Karaoke. But that’s how it happens. You subscribe to excessive drinkmanship and then you can’t remember who your last partner was. BAM! Multiple partners! We won’t tell you not to drink at the Yen Wor, because that’s what we do. But this is about your diseases, not ours.
4. Wear knee pads. STD’s aren’t the only hazards associated with unsafe sex. Many acts of sexmanship are not of the horizontal persuasion and may take place on hard surfaces. Usually, actually. You might opt for goggles and/or a helmet as well.
5. “AIDing and aBETting = Don’t BET against AIDs”. You’ll lose. Okay, that’s a little cheesy. So fuck me.
No! Don’t fuck me! That was a total setup and you fell for it! You have GOT to be more careful out there. There’re Pete Seazles everywhere!
6. No Monkey Business. Speaking of which, AIDS is said to have originated with monkeys in Africa. Sure, they’re cute, but you should be very wary about participating in monkey business with them. They don’t dominate the organ grinding industry for nothing.
7. Only sleep with ugly people. You know no one else is hitting that. Set the bar low. Then use that bar to fend them off after your hideous, eye-watering inducing sexual encounter. But where do you meet these people to meat these people?
8. “Meating people the safe way means meeting people at Safeway“. The name “Safeway” provides a sense of security for people who consistently look for safe things. Like safe sex. These people are also less likely to have black-out evenings of random funsticking.
9. Sleep with someone’s Mom. Your Mom is generally loyal to one sex partner, it’s typically not Your Dad, and it’s usually a funblogger. But we trust Your Mom. She doesn’t go cougaring and rarely drinks anything but copious amounts of wine in the kitchen.
10. Utilize back door action. Your Mom’s husband could come home at any minute (thanks for the warning call, by the way). Use the back door, but(t) quick. Hit it and quit it, my friend.
Good luck!
