WEST SEATTLE, Washington, August 12, 2010 (WSFB) – City officials celebrated the decommissioning of the South Park Bridge recently as they continued with the master plan to make West Seattle more crowded and difficult to get to.

Shortly after West Seattle residents had rejected the idea of being annexed into Seattle in the early 20th century and then, when in mid-century wanted to secede, city planners came up with a way to get back at them – design land use rules and transportation projects to inhibit the quality of life in West Seattle.

We don’t have to go back very far to see some of the projects the city council enacted, such as the disabling of the former draw bridge over the Duwamishwaterway and Harbor Island in the late ‘70’s (though to their chagrin, a new bridge was built). Recently, to keep with a timeline set forth at the time the Spokane St viaduct was built (including 90 degree off-ramps and exits to travel only one direction), land use officials encouraged small houses along Alki Ave SW to be replaced by large condominiums, parking in the Alaska Junction area to be replaced by condominiums, and residential homes in the historic Admiral District to be replaced by condominiums. Not to be outdone, town home builders lobbied for, and received permits to fill existing backyards with multi-story houses on 12’x12’ footprints (reports are that the lobbyists used promises of packs of bubble gum and 2-for-1 coupons at the local Blockbuster to sweeten the deal).

Other, more successful projects have taken off recently, such as evicting long-time West Seattle business Hancock Fabrics in favor of a giant hole 3 stories deep at one of the most prominent intersections of the area, narrowing Fauntleroy Ave SW to one lane in either direction (especially handy for ferry traffic), and removing all on-ramps to the Spokane St. viaduct during it’s timely retrofit.

The latest, though, and the one that has the city buzzing is the impending removal of the now defunct South Park Bridge without any plan to rebuild it – leaving only two bridges across the Duwamish Waterway. A source close to the action has reported plans are also underway to find the 1st South Bridge unstable and close it permanently, leaving only the high-rise bridge left. Of course, that may have to wait until the biggest addition to the aggressive “So you don’t want to be a part of Seattle?! Well, we’ll show you!” plan is enacted. That, of course is the removal of the Alaskan Way Viaduct – the “ace in the hole” for the city council and the Mayor. “Once the link to highway 99 is removed, it should be smooth sailing to finish of West Seattle once and for all”, states a source that has asked to remain anonymous. “Now that people are stuck in mortgages and can’t afford to move, the Jeanette Memorial Bridge is all that stands in our way to completely alienate West Seattle”. Another member of the secret committee added, “You want to be sustainable, huh? Well, let’s see it now!”

Admittedly, most West Seattle residents are busy walking their dogs after yoga class and sneering at cars from their bicycles to even appreciate all that the city has done for them, but in time it should be apparent.