WEST SEATTLE, Washington, March 8, 2010 (WSFB) – Are you tired of the same old douchenozzles and cougars hitting on you every time you go to your favorite watering hole?

Can a single, hot-bodied girl or guy not have a drink in peace?

It seems the “meat market” flair of other regions of our fair city have infiltrated West Seattle and are threatening our funmanship.

We are slowly becoming Pioneer Square. Fremont. Capital Hill. Kirkland. Bellevue. And dare I say, Auburnistan? It’s that bad.

“But there’s a fix for that,” says Ingrid Ibsen, 54, of High Point. Ibsen  has opened a new bar that essentially criminalizes shmoozemanship. Ease Off The Ass occupies a space at 35th and Morgan right next to mega-super-duper pharmacy store, Walgreens, and across the street from U-Haul.

Said Ibsen, “I’m a fan of several bars in West Seattle, but it got to the point where all I wanted to do was pick up hot young men. I realized this wasn’t fair to them and decided, as penance, I’d give them a safe place to inebriate.”

Ease Off The Ass’s mantra is simple: If the patrons get peeved, you’re asked to leave.

“You should hear some of the things I used to say to those poor young boys,” explained Ibsen. She then reached into her low-cut blouse and handed this reporter a laminated card which said the following:

• I may not be Wilma, but I can sure make your bedrock.
• Is that a keg in your pants, cuz I’m trying to tap that.
• Can I have a picture of you so I can show Santa what I want for Christmas?
• Do you believe in love at first sight or do you need me to walk by again?.
• Does this smell like chloroform to you?

“As you can clearly see, there was a distinct need for a place like Ease Off The Ass in West Seattle, ” Ibsen said. “We offer a darkwood environment with intimate lighting, fine Corinthian leather, and designer cocktails. We don’t have security per se, but rather Mood Monitors who keep tabs on the small talk and chatter. And they’re good. As little as a raised eyebrow has been cause for eviction.”

“And we have nachos.”

Asked for final comment, Ibsen said, “Don’t try to squeeze an ass at Ease Off The Ass. See that U-Haul sign across the street? Good. Now U-Haul your ass right on outta here!”

Pete@westseattlefunblog.com