WEST SEATTLE, Washington, March 17, 2010 (WSFB) – West Seattle Police Department Homicide Detectives were called to the new High Point Ramada on Tuesday to investigate a seemingly implausible death.

Said Sargent Louis Cipher of the West Seattle Police Department, “The victim’s identity is not being released at this time, pending notification of next of kin, but it seems Ted Bjornsen was killed during a sexual encounter. These gerbils you see running around my feet are not, repeat NOT, a rodent issue with the High Point Ramada. These varmint are evidence and I’d appreciate if you didn’t step on any of them.”

The unidentified victim has been identified as an active member of the fetishist gruop, The HabiTrailRiders. Whether this had anything to do with the aforementioned gerbils or the fact that the victim, and his anus, were attending a function hosted by the hotel is still under investigation.

Bjornsen, the unidentified victim, was attending the Irritable Bowel Syndrome Convention at the WSCFCTS Hall (West Seattle Center For Conventions and Trade Shows) and staying at the Ramada, along with several hundred other guests.

Fellow Shit-Issue-ist, Monica Duce, had this to say: “This weekend was supposed to be about love, and companionship, and fiber. If Ted, er…. the victim, did what the policemen say he did, and got killed doing it, well… I…. I think I need a bran muffin.”

Forensic teams found a mixture of blood, semen, and gravy in unusual quantities on the walls, as noted in the forensic black light photo seen above.

Said Sgt. Cipher, “From the wounds the victim sustained, that much blood is a given. The semen, okay, maybe he ate a shitpile of oysters at the convention. But the gravy? That’s just not within the realm of normal behavior and goes beyond forensic precedent. This guy got gutted by a guy or gal gaga for gravy.”

West Seattle Police Department detectives have isolated their search to local West Seattle restaurants that serve a mean chicken fried steak.

Pete@westseattlefunblog.com