Brit Hardesty ~ Whore and Home Heat Consultant
WEST SEATTLE, Washington, October 26, 2009 (WSFB) -
Fall has fallen like autumn drunkenly falls into bed atop summer. Winter is just outside the window, peeking creepily through the cracks in the blinds. The weather is changing for the cold and it’s time to seek warmth.
The economy blows like a $20 hooker and it costs money to stay warm; we all know this. Who better to advise us on “economic heat strategy” than someone who works outdoors in a mini-skirt?
Says Brittany Hardesty, working an undisclosed corner at Admiral and California, “First off, getchoself a man. Men, as disgusting as they may be, are warm, DAMMIT. And there are other uses for them, like lifting heavy thaaangs, reaching up to tall shelves when you need thaaangs, and just plain doin’ thaaangs. Hell, look at THIS thaaaang. You want some of this thaang, dontcha baaaaby?”
Asked what other morsels of fiduciary brilliance she might provide, Hardesty replied, “Da-yum, bitch. You act like you ain’t never had no rock hard nipples befo’. Now, come to mama.”
After a brief discussion of interview etiquette and the fact that I am male and no one’s bitch, Hardesty said, “Fine, biznatch. You gots to turn yo heat down. You may be wishin’ it was 80°, but that shit costs money. You gotta getchoo one of them computer thermostats and set that shit at 69°. That’s warm enough, even if you ain’t gotta man. Put on a sweater, funstick!”
Asked for one last morsel of prostibatory street-sense, Hardesty says, “You gotta shake it. If you don’t shake it, you ain”t gonna make it. And by make it, I mean cash, betty. And yo ass is out on the street longer than it has to be, gotDAMN it col’ up in here!!!”
UPDATE, Sunday, November 1: Brittany Hardesty was arrested by WSPD for “obstruction of justice” on Halloween. She is alleged to have set her thermostat at 82° for a party at her Arbor Heights residence for a “Halloween Jungle in the Bunghole” party. When asked if she was innocent, Hardesty was heard to mutter something indecipherable but sounded like “xxxx xxxx my asshole xxxx”.
