WEST SEATTLE, Washington, December 30, 2009 (WSFB) – A local girl of Irish descent has decided to leave the United States and move to North Korea where she can be freed from the shackles of the constitutionally-sanctioned and God-given right to free speech.

“I just think it’s dangerous to allow kids to think they can spout off at the mouth and be protected,” exclaims Callin Callister of the Westgatewood neighborhood. “Sure the law protects them… but that won’t matter much when they say this around the wrong person.”

Ms. Callister’s loathing of the first and most important amendment to the United States Constitution demonstrates a growing sympathy for authoritarian rule in the greater West Seattle region and desire for a single “Dear Leader” style of city government.

Among her many supporters are other quasi-Irish women that have decided there is no greater evil than free speech.

“I’m basically cynical,” enthuses Jan O’Sullivan of the West Seattle Communist Dictatorship Guild. “If we simply excuse all of these things as ’sticks and stones’, as the ‘norm’ for teenagers who will be teenagers, it won’t change. It’s not acceptable, and we shouldn’t just dismiss it. Not without first reporting them to Dear Leader and letting his army of secret police show them who’s boss and teach them a lesson they will never forget. Thank you, Dear Leader!”