WEST SEATTLE, Washington, November 24, 2009 (WSFB-AC) -Longtime resident of West Seattle, Ruth Lessness, has had enough and this Thanksgiving she’s ready to kick some breast.

“Every year it’s ‘Here, Gran, you can have the neck, you like the neck, right?’ or ‘How about a nice big leg?’ Well, this year it’s all about the white meat and if anyone challenges me, they’ll get a size 6 Rockport with an orthopedic insert put so far up their ass they’ll be shitting nylons until 2010,” snarled a determined Ms. Lessness.

This octogenarian is serious about her bird and is taking off the gloves in order to make a point. “I may be old but I appreciate a two-handed helping of juicy breast as much as any man.” Can we argue with her? This reporter sure as hell isn’t.

Training for almost 20 minutes a day in between naps, Ruth explained her strength conditioning regimen. “I start by arm-curling my cat, Mr. Boots, for about 20 reps. Then I move on to leg lifts and crunches, but I have to take it easy on the crunches because yesterday I blew some mud.”

“I’m telling you now, if that fat little fuck I call my grandson offers me a wing, he’ll be thankful if I don’t garrote his ass with my LifeAlert necklace!” With all that determination, this is one black-and-blue hair I would not cross. “I’ll knit that fucker a noose AND a decorative quilt to cover his corpse if he comes at me.”

On the way out of the interview, Ms. Lessness rolled over my foot with her wheelchair. As I started to make a startled “Ouch” sound, I could hear her mumble “Don’t be a pussy, Tony.” Then she rolled out the door.