AUSTIN, Texas, May 5, 2010, (WSFB-AC) – In 1985 you were going about your daily high school routine. You showed up to third period Typing class, a few minutes late as usual. Everyone turned to look at you when you came in. Halfway to your seat, you realized that something just did not feel right. You stopped, and looked down, and realized – you were not wearing any clothes. You were naked. You tried in vain to cover yourself.

Of course you were mortified. Strangely, though, you could not determine if anyone else noticed your nakedness. Nobody pointed and laughed, but neither did anyone turn away. The entire class stared at you with expressions impossible to decipher.

As most of us did when faced with an emotional or psychological crisis, you turned to the assistant JV football coach. He held you close and assured you that it was just a dream. You were elated. You immediately went to the library and checked out the school’s lone psychology text. You learned that your dream was really a reflection of the anxiety you were feeling about being exposed, that you were trying to be something that you were not and that you harbored a deep fear of being “found out.” You were further relieved to learn that yours was a very common dream among adolescents, who are trying to learn who they really are in an environment that does not tolerate individuality.

Over the last 25 years, through a process of tireless self-examination you’ve learned to be comfortable with yourself and your place in the world. You know who you are, and more importantly, you like yourself.

Well, it’s time you learned the truth. You really did show up to Typing stark naked. We were all too stunned to say anything, both by what we saw… and what we did not see. You are a freak, physically and emotionally. What kind of person shows up to school naked? Of course we laughed hysterically behind your back. We still do, as a matter of fact. There is an entire Facebook page dedicated to your shame and humiliation, and we won’t even let you join it. We even lead a prayer group that you will never be able to reproduce and pass your damaged DNA on to another generation. You have no business being comfortable in your own skin – yours is the skin of a loser, a charlatan, an abomination.

While we’re at it – that dream you had about trying to run away from the bad guys only it felt like you were moving in slow motion? Also true. You brought it on yourself by showing up to school naked.

And yes, your teeth really did fall out.