WEST SEATTLE, Washington, October 19, 2009 (WSFB) – (This gem originally posted in October, unleashing a West Seattle fury of self-defensiveness and sterotypification. We’re honored to run it again as it contains valuable info no West Seattleite-istanian should be without!)

Crime in and around West Seattle is an issue that affects all residents.   From those pesky illegal solicitors to hardcore gangsters, the West Seattle Funblog is committed to bringing you funcrimefighting tips and answering all your funcrimefighting questions.

Do not open your door unless you have a black belt in funcrimefighting or a cannon gun. There is no telling who is knocking on your door, so instead of risking having your cranium bashed in with a brick do the safe thing, lock the door, turn out the lights and pretend like your’re way fucking asleep.   If the assailant, who may or may not be a zombie as well, does make it past your door pull out your huge cannon gun and go all Mafia Wars on their ass.

Don’t invite the crime. What are you thinking parking that Lexus in your driveway?   Clearly a target.   Sell that fucker, buy a 2003 Volvo and give the leftover money to the West Seattle Funblog.

Secure your perimeter. Buy lots of dogs and guns. Teach the dogs to shoot the guns.   Who’s a good buddy?

Gangs are everywhere. We can’t stress this enough, there is probably a gang member in your bathroom right now or one about to climb down your chimney.   Protect your shit and try not to wear all red.   Your kids are probably being initiated into a gang as we speak.

See a weirdo in your neighborhood? Act now! If you see anyone not fitting the “norm” in your neighborhood remember, vigilance!   Possibly preempt their crime and attack them from behind with a strong kick to the neck.   Even if they are just walking through or visiting a friend, why take the chance?   Citizen arrests are your duty, especially if they do not look like you.

Memorize shit. Try to memorize every fucking thing you see.   License plates.   Landmarks.   Hair styles.   Profile as much as possible.   Pay close attention to people who do not look successful.   Tattoos are important, the police always ask about those along with birthmarks.   You never know when some random motherfucker is going to come up and steal your shit.     The only future link between you and your shit might be the color of some dude’s fleece.

Carry a flashlight and blind crime. If it is dark and someone is walking toward you point that flashlight directly in the attackers eyes and blind the shit out of him or her.   If you have mace and some duct tape attach the mace to the flashlight and mace the attacker after you blind him with the flashlight.   That will teach the attacker to not even think about attacking you on your street.   Start calling yourself MasterBlaster, and ask yourself “Who rule Bartertown?”.  MasterBlaster rule Bartertown.

Join others and form a mob. Nothing scares wrongdoers more than a mob.   Try to find some horses and some old rifles.   Hand out flyers promoting your mob mentality. Try to drink copious amounts of alcohol with your new friends.   Then when someone commits a crime convince your new drunken brethren to go take matters into your own hands.   Your senses may be completely impaired but the heavy hand of the law will be strong and sharp.

Take pictures. If you see a crime take a picture and email it to the Police.   If the criminal is hot and naked email it to the West Seattle Funblog.

Quantum Leap. Who says you can’t undo the past?   If some douche bag named Sam Beckett can do it then surely you can too.   Get a degree in quantum physics.   Take part in an unstable government experiment.   Get a friend named Al who has an iPhone named Ziggy.   Go back in time and right every motherfucking wrong you can get your hero hands on.   Don’t be discouraged if you leap into someone with a painful STD, your next leap could very well be the leap home.

Remember, be sure to teach this information to your kids, your neighbors and if in any way possible a monkey, if you own one.

If you wish to receive more funfighting tips post your questions in the comments section.