WEST SEATTLE, Washington, January 13, 2009 (WSFB) – As the economy continues to sputter and falter, many industries are struggling to face the reality of lowered consumer support. The same holds true for the charity industry, as tightened purse-strings strangle not just commercial business, but our giving hearts.
But one Washington entity has forged in a new direction. Cascade Regional Blood Services is mobilizing its fleet of bloodmobiles and parking them at restaurants. The “Pint-For-Pint Blood Drive” offers donors a pint of beer for a pint of blood.
Other charities have taken notice and instituted their own similar drives.
The Synovial Association of West Seattle (SAWS) seeks donations of synovial fluid that allows smooth operation of the body’s joints. Their “Joints-For-Joints Fluid Drive” was modeled after Cascade’s.
Said Kevin Johnson, SAWS’s chief pie-hole operator, “If you’re sitting around pulling tubes and watching Family Guy reruns, you’re amassing large quantities of synovial fluid, fluid that you likely won’t need. If you can get off your Stoney Stonerson ass long enough to vote to legalize marijuana, then you can get off your ass and donate some joint juice. And we’re giving away G13. It’s a no-brainer you lazy, fucking no-brainer.”
Likewise, the Burien Food Bank is feeling the pinch, but in a different way. They have seen bountiful donations, an unprecedented amount of which has been canned chili.
“We’re doing our best to knock down those inventories. Hell, we’re attacking the pile in-house for lunch everyday,” said Jurgen Pute. “I tell ya, it’s like that campfire scene from Blazing Saddles around here every afternoon. The problem is we don’t have any oyster crackers to go with the chili, hence our new drive.” And true to form, the drive model is working.
The “Crack-For-Crackers Drive” has seen a large influx of oyster crackers for the mere cost of a few ounces of street-grade crack cocaine. “It’s a huge white cloud of success,” said Pute.
But most surprising on the list of drive adaptations is that by the Sexually Transmittable Urethral Disorder Society (STUDS) . Their shortage involves a sexually active medium critical to studying STD’s in real time. Smegma.
“We’re shy of smegma… or deeeckcheese, to put it bluntly for your leeetle Funblog,” quipped Arlen Muur, head of Head Procurement. “Men are typically ‘cut’ these days, thus there are fewer smegmatic sampling opportunities, ya? So we’re willing to trade a block of government cheese to you, for your deeeeckcheese.”
“It’s our ‘Cheese-For-Cheese Drive’ ya,” say Muur. “Do you know how hard it is to find a roller these days? And one with an STD to boot? That’s like finding a bowl of chili without oyster crackers. It’s unheard of!”
Pete@westseattlefunblog.com
