WEST SEATTLE, Washington, May 17, 2009 (EZB) – Local legend and outdoor enthusiast Bigfoot was spotted among the crowds at Alki Beach yesterday on what was a rather warm, summer like Sunday afternoon. Yet while many were claiming they saw him, Bigfoot claimed to see something even more extraordinary.
“I got down here and it was pretty normal at first” Bigfoot said in a strangely soft southern, Texan accent. “There are always the kids who look at me all weird, and some people think it’s a suit and they’re laugh aloud, but mostly it’s just a bunch of punks trying to make fun of me until they smell me, then they kind of stay away.”
However, the crowds soon got out of control and nobody but Bigfoot noticed the amazing scene that played out over Puget Sound.
“Well, as soon as I got down here a bunch of people gathered around and were all “Hey man are you supposed to be Bigfoot?” to which I replied “RAWWWWWWWWWWWWWWRRRRRRRRRRRRR” just out of habit, ya know? I mean I can totally speak a ton of different languages and all that because I’ve been around forever but sometimes I get all riled up and shit because I don’t spend a lot of time around humans.”
But it wasn’t what Bigfoot is used to seeing that got his attention this Sunday, in fact it was something that was perhaps more odd than the Loch Ness Monster, a giant squid, or the Sasquatch himself.
“So people kind of started backing off and taking photos, an old man crapped his pants, and then out of nowhere this USO comes shooting out of the Puget Sound, stopped and, I swear to god looked right at me. Then in the blink of a god damn eye that fucker just shot out into space!”
According to Bigfoot the crowds were so enamored with his surprise appearance that nobody besides him even saw the Unidentified Submerged Object, or what UFO buffs refer to as “USO’s”. Bigfoot described the USO as “Silver, Metallic, Shiny and crazy as balls”.
“I think it was one of the top two weirdest things I’ve ever seen, and I’ve seen some magical crap being all mythical and all,” Bigfoot said. “One time, I found this whole in the ground, and I kept throwing everything I could find into it; rocks, branches, bunnies, human campers, whatever. I finally decided to just jump in and see where it went, and I ended up in 1990 Mexico! What a shithole, but it was pre Homeland Security and all so I just put on some Vaurnet’s, stole an immitation Hypercolor T shirt, got drunk off Tequila and some pill this guy gave me and walked across the border without any issue whatsoever. Even if they were to give me a hard time the name on my birth certificate is made out of papaya if you know what I mean, I’m like old as fuck”.
When asked what his plans for the rest of the day were he replied “Bigfoot tired, Bigfoot hungry, Bigfoot….hahahah I’m just kidding, I might try to grab a paper and catch up on Obama, plus it’s an SOB of a hike back to the mountains so I might try to make the water taxi, anything to avoid the West Seattle Bridge, right?”
