WEST SEATTLE, Washington, September 30, 2009 (WSFB) – Jöp Bjørnhürdt didn’t know what he was getting into when he ordered the “lotsa tots” from the appetizer menu at his new local Hooters. The picture on the menu conjured dreams of a childhood fraught with delightful potato-based sides and corn dogs dancing around an open fire chanting ancient Tschorian revels.
After consuming the fried and fatty pile of foodstuffs, Bjørnhürdt began to experience a wrenching feeling in his abdomen.
“It was like someone poured liquid potato sauce in my belly then slathered it in Crisco”, says Bjørnhürdt. “Not long after that, I started feeling a bit light headed.”
Things took a turn for the worst later that evening as Bjørnhürdt readied himself for bed.
“I laid down and that’s when it started,” says Bjørnhürdt. “I experienced a rumbling down under like nothing I’d ever experienced before, and became a bit frightened that something was going to burst out of my stomach in an effort to escape.”
He got out of bed and took some Pepto-Bismol hoping that would quell the beast in his belly. The medicine did its job, and he was able to lie back down and eventually get to sleep.
However, during the night Bjørnhürdt experienced apocalyptic dreams, cold sweat, and unbelievably heinous proctological discharges the likes of which modern medical history has ever witnessed or otherwise documented from an olfactory perspective.
At one point he believed he had died after several attempts to revive him had failed. It was all part of a savage and cruel tater tot induced night terror.
The following morning Bjørnhürdt woke up to find he was still alive and had not died. He ventured to the bathroom for his morning constitutional and released a contagion the likes of which the West Seattle water treatment plant has ever experienced and a class 5 water treatment emergency resulted after the initial flush.
“I just want people to know the potential side affects of the ‘lotsa tots’ so no one else has to go through what I went through last night”, says Bjørnhürdt.
The Hooters menu can be found online, but is suspiciously absent nutritional information for this particular “Hootertizer”.
