"Girl"

WEST SEATTLE, Washington, November 30, 2009 (WSFB) – We here at the West Seattle Funblog are not so full of ourselves that we avoid the kitchen for the heat. It seems that our, nay my, Panhandler’s Primer sparked the ire of one particular homeless person living in West Seattle.

“Billie” lives on the streets. “She” doesn’t approve of my supposition that “air quotes” should not be used when panhandling.

“Billie” didn’t have enough change to buy a stamp to mail me “her” letter, but rather tracked me down as I exited the “QFC” at Westwood Village and “handed” it to me. I use that expression loosely.

Said, “Billie“, “I resent your cute, little wise-’ass‘. You know nothing about life on the ‘streets‘. If I say, ‘Got any spare change for “food“,’ I mean it.  If ‘spare change‘ means ‘meat‘ and ‘food‘ means ‘my mouth for twenty bucks‘. You just don’t understand the homeless.”

In my efforts to keep you, dear reader, informed as well as expand my own horizons, I decided to put myself in “Billie’s” shoes. Very nice pumps, actually.

Thus, I raided Your Mom’s closet and borrowed a dress, did myself up all pretty-like, and set myself up at 16th and Roxbury this past Saturday night.

There I stood, ready for the first passerby to help me put my learning process into motion. And then it happened. My first “customer“. A burly, biker-type.

“Hey, buddy,” said I, all sexily and air-quotey. “Got any ‘meat‘ for ‘my mouth for twenty bucks‘?”

My experiment was short-lived as I was immediately educated on the proper use of “air quotes” via steel-toed boots, elbows, and hairy knuckles that Robin Williams would be “jealous of“.

If by “Robin Williams“, you mean “Robin Williams” and by “would be jealous of“, you mean “should shave regularly.”

Next Week: The overuse of “italicization“.

Pete@westseattlefunblog.com