Secret Funblog Military Consultant

WEST SEATTLE, Washington, March 15, 2010 (WSFB)

Hey, Al-Qaeda bozos,

You douchenozzles have gone too far this time. By kidnapping Luigi Linguini, you have violated all that is sacred within our world, in general, and all that defines funmanship, to be specific. Your atrocities against our leader are way out of line and your actions will not go unrequited.

The Funblog is not a religion and, quite frankly, if it were, our higher power would be Booze. Our Trinity: satire, good times, and the F-bomb; and we would bow down wherever we happened to be, face West, and hail The Junction at 4:20 everyday.

You have no idea what you’ve gotten yourselves into, you twat waffles. We’re certain you’re entirely unaware that Luigi is made 100% of pork. That won’t sit well with your higher power, now will it? You become more and more unclean with each blow you deliver to his glorious funbody, yes?

He also personally knows at least 72 Virginians, so your glory in death will certainly be mitigated by our heavenly connections. In the words of Thomas Jefferson, “You will have no Virginians. Fer shizzle, muzzizles.”

But words alone will not suffice under the circumstances you’ve created. There will be no amicable resolution. Not now.

We are taking measures to counter-attack and will rain down on you with great fury. We have obtained the services of an elite ex-military force led by one of your greatest opponents. At this time, we will not divulge the identity of this person, but the attached photo might give you an idea. Please understand, this is your own doing, AND undoing.

Think long and hard about what you fear most, for that is what is coming.

Pete@westseattlefunblog.com