Your Horoscope

By Patty Seazle

Capricorn: (Dec 22-Jan 19)

You didn’t pay attention all semester, because you were staring down that girl’s shirt. Cramming the night before isn’t going to help you pass the final. Go get hammered! You won’t mind asking “Do you want fries with that?” for the rest of your life.

Aquarius: (Jan 20-Feb 18)

The biggest turn on for an Aquarian, is location, location, location. Because they’re ruled by the moon, they like to do it at night. Under the stars, on the back of the bus, in the treehouse, or at the drive-in are just a few examples of places to keep your eyes open for those naughty Aquarians. Or Your Mom.

Pisces: (Feb 19-Mar 20)

Pisces? What the hell is a Pisces? It must suck to be you. I would say that romance is in your future, but you have to get a personality first. Tell everyone you’re a Scorpio, it’s much better to be a pervert than a miserable loser like yourself.

Aries: (Mar 21-April 19)

Aries take teamwork to an all time high. Let them take the lead, because they’re not good with direction and authority. Cue cards are optional, so that the appropriate reactions can be interjected at the precise moment for optimum excitement.

Taurus: (April 20-May 20)

The Taurus is extremely selfish. Was it really necessary to knock the kid off his bike, so that you could stare at his mother’s ass when she bent over to pick him up? How would you like it if someone did that to Your Mom?

Gemini: (May 21-June 20)

You’ve worked so hard all year and when you asked the boss for a raise that wasn’t in the budget, you got mad huh? Do the right thing and make him some special brownies. Make sure there’s extra goodies in there, and when you find him passed out in the broom closet, make prank calls from his office and send out fake memos like “Friday is naked day” and “Heather from accounting likes to get kinky on rollercoasters.”

Cancer: (June 21-July 22)

You will feel itchy and irritated. Could it be those crabs from the train station toilet? There’s a reason there’s paper liners moron! Your bad habits get you a spanking, which is weird since it’s Your Mom spanking you, and you’re 37 years old.

Leo: (July 23-Aug 22)

People will talk if they see you eat that candy bar floating in the pool. That’s not a candy bar you schmuck. It’s from your 2 year old cousin. Word of advice, telling people that the corn in the “candybar” was surprisingly “sweet and delicious” would not be a good idea.

Virgo:(Aug 23-Sept 22)

You may find yourself adopting the persona of many different characters this month, depending on your mood swings. Man, you are seriously messed up. One minute you’re wearing a tutu, and the next you’re proclaiming to be Dustin Hoffman. Get back on those little pills, or else your only hope is electric shock and a straight jacket.

Libra: (Sept 23-Oct 22)

Stop wasting everyone’s oxygen and get with the program. You turn a simple decision such as “original” or “extra” crispy into a ten minute ordeal, as you mull over the endless possibilities. Here’s a hint dumbass, you’re going to be hungry tomorrow and perhaps the day after that, so it’s not a life and death situation.

Scorpio: (Oct 23-Nov 21)

Scorpios use their tongue for everything, and yes, I mean EVERYTHING. They love to lick people in whip cream, alcohol, caramel sauce and guacamole. They’re always there to lend you a hand, or some other part of their anatomy. Also known for being the most perverted of all the signs.

Sagittarius: (Nov 22-Dec 21)

Your arrogance is sickening this month. You’ve been seen kissing mirrors and sniffing bicycle seats. You could possibly achieve great success, because of your total lack of ethics. You’re a perfect son-of-a-bitch, and nobody is good enough for you. You masturbate a lot.