Your Weekly Horoscope

- by Patty Seazle

Capricorn: (Dec 22-Jan 19)

Cappies generally need a little social lubricant to loosen up, which is why you’re left off the astrological cocktail party list. You’re either totally on or totally off. Watch your obnoxiousness, and I’ll get you into a killer party soon.

Aquarius: (Jan 20-Feb 18)

You love to get sizzled, but you’re more fascinated with other drunk people, and capable of holding interesting conversations with soused strangers, finding charm in everyone! You make the best designated drivers.

Pisces: (Feb 19-Mar 20)

High possibilities of loopy groping lie within the Piscean. Sagittarians make brilliant booty calls, and are fun…see above. You do it rock-star like, and can flirt with many groupies at the same time, making everyone feel sexy. It’s yours for the taking!

Aries: (Mar 21-April 19)

You people like to party, and sometimes don’t know when to stop, making you prone to closing-time shot contests. No need to worry, even though you’re a sloppy, fun drunk, all will be forgiven before sunrise.

Taurus: (April 20-May 20)

You prefer to drink at leisurely pace aiming for a mellow glow, rather than a full-on zonk. Your preference for wining and dining, over body shots and barfing is quite fortunate for the rest of us.

Gemini: (May 21-June 20)

Amazingly enough, you Gemini’s can drink without changing your behavior much. You’re naturally chatty and your short-attention span, makes it hard to tell sometimes, unless you’re really drunk and start puking in everyone’s shoes. A good way to lose a few friends.

Cancer: (June 21-July 22)

Crabs must guard their lushery. You’re a comfort drinker, an extra wine with dinner, a few beers after work. You never really get drunk; instead you become weepy and lubricated. Swap some stories over a bottle of wine with your favorite Cancer. Even your second favorite Cancer will do.

Leo: (July 23-Aug 22)

Leo’s love to drink and dance! You’re usually fabulous dancers and pretty damn good drinkers as well. Let it loose and drink yourself into a low level of intelligence this week!

Virgo:(Aug 23-Sept 22)

Your famously fussy quest for purity leads you to drinking less than other signs. When you do, it leads you to drinking booze neat, and sucking down that organic wine. When shell-shacked, you’re dead sexy Virgo.

Libra: (Sept 23-Oct 22)

You’re jusht a social drinker, slurs the Libra. “It’s jusht that I’m sho damn social.” Charming as you are, you lack self control, wearing your wobbly boots waaay too early in the evening, flirting with your best friends beau, or even blacking out the evening…oops!

Scorpio: (Oct 23-Nov 21)

Boy, I love a good Scorpio. With your addictive personality and the right Aquarian, a pitcher of margaritas could keep you in the bedroom for days. Lose yourself in dreamland this week.

Sagittarius: (Nov 22-Dec 21)

You have a case of booze blurtiness, and when buttered up, have the tendency to spill secrets, many being your own. Tactlessness aside, you’re just plain fuuuuun to drink with. Maybe that’s why Anna Nicole Smith was a Sag.

Patty Seazle is a recovering Aquarian.