Your Weekly Horoscope

- by Patty Seazle

Capricorn: (Dec 22-Jan 19)

You revel in romantic fantasies this week, enjoying your courtships. Add some flare to things and ask Lawrence Welk if you can borrow his bubble machine. Keep your eyes open for lovely Leos and spicy Pisceans this week.

Aquarius: (Jan 20-Feb 18)

The very special Aquarian is ruled by both Uranus and Saturn, leaving you with a great combination of energy and sexual lust. As a well balanced sign, you have the wisdom to not let these traits take over. Please pass the sausage.

Pisces: (Feb 19-Mar 20)

Time to change your hearing aid batteries and FYI, “There’s a bad moon on the rise”, not “There’s a bathroom on the right”, you old crab. Yes, really, and I have no idea why everyone sounds like Bob Dylan.

Aries: (Mar 21-April 19)

This week I’d like you to come home from any destination (including the trip to the mailbox) at least once without heading straight to the bathroom. You might want to get that looked at.

Taurus: (April 20-May 20)

Let it be known, the Bull will not be rushed. Stubborn Taureans refuse help from anyone mumbling about offering assistance. It’s your hearing aid, and no one is allowed to touch it!!!!

Gemini: (May 21-June 20)

Look out, someone is planning to rock your boat. Your power and fury are a force to be reckoned with however. No worries, your resolutions will be anything BUT going on a diet. You will remain slim amongst the calorie laden treats!

Cancer: (June 21-July 22)

Your nocturnal abilities seem to keep you up more than you should be. Are you worried that you’re going to miss something? You’re turning into a big crab, which totally makes more sense than my horoscopes.

Leo: (July 23-Aug 22)

Although you could care less about chocolate, you do appreciate someone to share it with… see Libra. With a reputation of being an aphrodisiac, who needs green? It’s all about brown…  chocolate brown.

Virgo:(Aug 23-Sept 22)

As the Goddess of the Harvest, you shall reap a bountiful crop this week. Mickey Mouse shares your sign, so I suggest an expensive bottle of wine, and cheese, lots of cheese!

Libra: (Sept 23-Oct 22)

You can’t cook, but will eat anything and everything. You are in your glory, Libra, and this week is full of leftovers! Beware of fuzzy meat, if you’re not hip on that sorta thing.

Scorpio: (Oct 23-Nov 21)

Ruled by Pluto, the path to the bedroom is laced with good food and good wine. You’re a volcano just under the surface, ready to burst into eruption at any moment. Is it getting hot in here or is it just Patty and her lava lane?

Sagittarius: (Nov 22-Dec 21)

A bit moody now that celebrations are winding down, the lazy bull comes out. Use the downtime to contemplate resolutions. Make the first resolution to not make more resolutions than you can feasibly accomplish, which you just automatically failed to do.

Got a problem with your horoscope? Don’t bitch at Patty directly.  Bitch at her through Pete@westseattlefunblog.com!