Your Weekly Horoscope

- by Patty Seazle

Capricorn: (Dec 22-Jan 19)

I’m glad to see that you’ve slowed down and have made time to smell the roses. Take it easy and don’t let strangers touch you, unless it feels good.

Aquarius: (Jan 20-Feb 18)

Time to focus on the New Year and buckle down. Good things come to those that go for buckles. Bam, no pants!

Pisces: (Feb 19-Mar 20)

Every good gardener knows that if not everything comes up roses, you should never squat in the bushes. I suggest keeping your pants on this week, or you could easily wind up with a pierced tuckus.

Aries: (Mar 21-April 19)

I’m not sure why you keep having the same dream of beautiful naked women throwing pickles at you, but if you think the grass is greener over there, you can bet the water bill is higher.

Taurus: (April 20-May 20)

Focus on variety this week. Even though you have a hard time reaching those new goals, a new bakery opens up in your neighborhood, that’s bound to make you forget those goals altogether. Give the chocolate lobster tail a try.

Gemini: (May 21-June 20)

Next time you’re outside, check around the house and in the bushes, because your bullshit filter fell out again. After you find it, your family will agree to let you back in the house. The way some people place blame, you’d think there was a damn reward or something.

Cancer: (June 21-July 22)

Well Crabs, this season has you being underpaid and underappreciated, but that’s all changing! Curb your insecurities, and take charge.Project Runway is looking for your number. That eyebrow needs a-waxin’.

Leo: (July 23-Aug 22)

The universe will find a way to make it’s point this week. You’re grabbing the future by the Magic 8-ball, and you’re not taking any “Try Again” crap either. Shake it, but don’t break it.

Virgo:(Aug 23-Sept 22)

You think you’re all that and a bag of chips? Someone would have to throw in a Cosmopolitan and a cheesecake to even come close. Go ahead and bask in your deliciousness, because you won’t be flavor of the month for very long.

Libra: (Sept 23-Oct 22)

You’ve been meowing at the backdoor for far too long. Rip open that screen and let her roar like the king of the jungle that you are. You just might get some fresh kitty litter and a good scratch right where you need it.

Scorpio: (Oct 23-Nov 21)

You may have the mileage of a Ford Pinto, but you certainly have the moves of a fire-engine red Ferrari. Keep your rubber on the road and you could get your chassis waxed by an adoring fan.

Sagittarius: (Nov  22-Dec 21)

Quit telling people it’s your way or the highway Sag, everyone is tired of your yellow brick road. It’s time for you to get the point or it’s going to be the shaft.