Your Weekly Horoscope

- by Patty Seazle

Capricorn: (Dec 22-Jan 19)

If you catch on fire this week, avoid looking in the mirror. I would imagine that would throw you into a panic. Elvis was Cappy, and apparently a hunk, a hunk of burning love.

Aquarius: (Jan 20-Feb 18)

You thrive on love and devotion, and grow sulky when you’re not the center of attention. The best way to keep an Aquarian happy is to walk around with a flag that says “You’re #1”, or “I’m so damn lucky to be with you!” That should do it.

Pisces: (Feb 19-Mar 20)

You’re as confused as a blind lesbian in a fish market. A very clear vision comes to you this week, and it’s sure to put a smile on your face. A new direction for you is on the horizon. Don’t forget your flask.

Aries: (Mar 21-April 19)

Never go to bed angry, always stay up and argue. However, make sure that you keep your ears covered, I heard that Van Gogh shares your sign, and we all know what lengths he went to in the name of love.

Taurus: (April 20-May 20)

Taurean tidbit. Elves are born under the Taurus sign, due to the very short mating season at the end of July. That explains why the average height for a Taurus is 4’3”. Your great sense of humor works as an enabler against your height deficiency, and you’re a lousy dancer.

Gemini: (May 21-June 20)

Geminis are clever, you’re the kind that can count the loose change inside your pocket without taking your hand or the money out. You’ve also mastered your own cop-a-feel. Niiiice!

Cancer: (June 21-July 22)

Even though you’re the sign of the crabs, it’s ironic that your sign is less likely to contract VD, as a matter of fact, Cancers are the healthiest of all the signs. Your phone should start ringing now…..you’re welcome.

Leo: (July 23-Aug 22)

When your lover starts wearing more clothes to bed than to work, you’ve got a problem. This week will bring new bizarre occurrences. You find out that you can catch love in a jar, and spread it like a disease. Go ahead, slurp the face off of an unsuspecting Gemini.

Virgo:(Aug 23-Sept 22)

You’re so prim and proper that you don’t even appreciate a good fart joke on occasion. What’s funny is that when you pass wind, you have a tendency to blame it on the nearest Aries. Make a note that they’re on to you, and beware of flying pies.

Libra: (Sept 23-Oct 22)

Everyone talks about the weather, but no one wants to do anything about it. The rain gets to you this week, and so I suggest playing with monkeys. Put bananas in hidden places!

Scorpio: (Oct 23-Nov 21)

May all your ups and downs come only in the bedroom. Remember, love is a thousand miles long, but comes in 9” installments. Get after it!

Sagittarius: (Nov 22-Dec 21)

Time to panic. You hear gossip about your love life whilst sitting on the toilet this week. You may have cause to damn your flatulent ways before you hear the really juicy part, and there’s nothing rosy about it.

Patty Seazle is a recovering Aquarian.