Your Weekly Horoscope

- by Patty Seazle

Capricorn: (Dec 22-Jan 19)

You’re swinging through this week like a big brass band, so don’t worry about how many zoots it took to make that suit.  Relax, and enjoy some  time for yourself.  At least you’re not re-living those love beads days.

Aquarius: (Jan 20-Feb 18)

Are you hot to trot this week, but having trouble getting your honey out of the barn?  Strap on those chaps and spurs, and you’ll get the attention that you need.  Yeehaw!

Pisces: (Feb 19-Mar 20)

Hang in there Houdini, planning your escape takes time.  You’ll be able to drop those chains soon and wow your audience.  Ta-fucking-da!

Aries: (Mar 21-April 19)

Feeling stylish and sleek?  Think again.  Your better half is thinking cash-for-clunkers. Get detailed and tuned up, then rev that engine up and roar back into your sweeties garage.

Taurus: (April 20-May 20)

Your life seems to compare to a very bad Chinese algebra problem.  Something just isn’t adding up.  If you can’t figure it out by working the problem, pretend to make up a new kind of math.  Dig deep in the trash for those treasures.

Gemini: (May 21-June 20)

You don’t have to be the fastest turtle in the race.  You just need to be quick enough to avoid having that commemorative portrait of Michael Jackson painted on your shell.

Cancer: (June 21-July 22)

You’re feeling hotter than a homemade tamale, waiting for someone to come along and peel back your husk and take a biggo bite.  Before you head out, grab some of those antacids, because you may be spicier than anyone can handle.

Leo: (July 23-Aug 22)

You’re even tempered, but oddly shaped.  It’s hard to find pants that fit, but don’t get discouraged Leo, you could have worse problems. Cherish those knobby knees and Dumbo ears.

Virgo:(Aug 23-Sept 22)

The moon is moving through your astral house this week, which is strange because it usually doesn’t make lunar house calls.  Perhaps that Publisher’s Clearing House. Check is finally on the way, or maybe  you just left the damn curtains open.

Libra: (Sept 23-Oct 22)

Try to look on the bright side of life; if you get your tighty whiteys in a twist, you could end up with a cosmic wedgy large enough to warp your mind and squeeze your fruit.

Scorpio: (Oct 23-Nov 21)

You’ve been the star of the show lately, and now you’re ready to relax and enjoy some much needed time off.  Before you slip into your sweats and grab that remote, step out and take one more bow.  You’ve earned it.

Sagittarius: (Nov 22-Dec 21)

This week a lucky break makes you happier than a hamster with a new wheel and a water bottle full of rum.  I would advise that you take it easy on the drinking and spinning.