Your Horoscope

By Patty Seazle

Capricorn: (Dec 22-Jan 19)

You’re waiting for the day that you can astound your friends with your cleverness. Don’t expect that day to come anytime soon. Romance, however, is in your future as long as you can afford the fee.

Aquarius: (Jan 20-Feb 18)

Aren’t you glad that decided to get knocked up in your senior year instead of going to college? Instead of that nice house, car and decent lifestyle, you have an abusive, pot-bellied drunk. The fact that he has all those tattoos and rides a motorcycle more than makes up for the fact that you live in a trailer with 4 kids.

Pisces: (Feb 19-Mar 20)

Your rich and crazy grandpa has you in his will and has become very demanding. He wants you to visit more, which includes bathing him while he plays with his “old soldier”. Isn’t it about time he had an accident?

Aries: (Mar 21-April 19)

This week all hell breaks loose when those pictures you thought you erased off your computer of you having sex with Loretta “Pork Chop” Borstad are hit by a computer virus and sent to all your email addresses, as well as Facebook and Myspace friends.

Taurus: (April 20-May 20)

You’ll find that the selfish bastard in your sign will keep you from giving money to the homeless woman at the laundromat, no matter how many times she claims she hasn’t eaten in three days. However, your sign’s sexual nature kicks in and you offer her $15 for a hand job while you wait for your clothes to dry.

Gemini: (May 21-June 20)

You’re feeling a little sad this week; let’s face it, you’re a loser. If your whiny-ass, self-indulgent, psycho-self has any friends left, invite them over for a party! If you still aren’t having any fun, don’t worry. You didn’t really piss in the punchbowl before everyone showed up, did you?

Cancer: (June 21-July 22)

You will feel itchy and irritated. Could it be those crabs from the train station toilet? There’s a reason there’s paper liners, moron! Your bad habits get you a spanking, which is weird since it’s Your Mom spanking you and you’re 37 years old.

Leo: (July 23-Aug 22)

If your boss grabs your ass at work, go for it! Getting a raise for putting out is awesome! Start putting out regularly – men, women, donkeys, parking meters… It feels good! You could probably play fireman and get the girls to drink from your hose!

Virgo:(Aug 23-Sept 22)

Bad news! Your Uncle will reveal that he’s not really your uncle, but just a stranger who used to play “What’s in daddy’s pocket” with you. Do you know how much alcohol it would take to black out completely and forget? Google it.

Libra: (Sept 23-Oct 22)

This week, anything is possible… except for you! Start the meds, and as soon as the Xanax kicks in the problems will start to fade away. Its time to close that relationship that’s going nowhere. Sindy Hardcore, the phone sex operator will just have to take NO for an answer!

Scorpio: (Oct 23-Nov 21)

You are the over-sexed group of the zodiac signs, but this last stunt tops them all. Playing “Booty Health Inspector” at the local bars, which involves the ladies removing their clothes so that you can inspect them with your “probe”, may have gotten you lots of tail but also prompts you to call your lawyer. There are lots of booty inspectors in prison!

Sagittarius: (Nov 22-Dec 21)

Oh no, your spouse is coming home and you made a huge mess! Who spilled the cocaine and why is there a dead hooker on the living room floor? Word of advice: Duct tape, garbage bags, and bleach.

Patty Seazle kicks ass during the day and can be found taunting baristas at various Starbuck’s locations county-wide.