A Weekly Look at Your Horoscope

- by Patty Seazle

Aries – (Mar 21-Apr 19)

You’re such a daredevil Aries, but there are certain things in life which we must all be prepared for.   A chimpanzee may break wind and offer you a sniff.   Such vile behavior is best left unrewarded.   Walk away.

Taurus – (Apr 20-May 20)

You could wake up at any moment and realize that your left foot is made of bacon and aluminum foil.   Look at the bright side, you still glow in the dark.

Gemini – (May 21-June 20)

You’re definitely not the brains of your operation Gemini, today might be a good day to be a follower.   Make toilet paper out of potato skins.

Cancer – (June 21-July 22)

For some reason you will find the words gobblecock and spermwanger comical today.   Keep up on your  meds, and drink a  bottle of wine.   Your nose will no longer squeak.

Leo – (July 23-Aug 22)

A sense of struggle lies ahead, and the   next few weeks could be critical.   Find time to dismember your favorite enemy.  The  rodents in the backyard will thank you for your kind donation.

Virgo – (Aug 23-Sept 22)

Seek gratitude today, slap your boss with a giant jellyfish, and don’t forget to thank your turtle for leaving that nice basket of kumquats in your bathtub.

Libra – (Sept 23-Oct 22)

You are the harmonizer, nice to everyone you meet.   Self satisfaction never felt so good today.

Scorpio – (Oct 23-Nov 21)

You tend to have a poor sense of time, often losing it altogether.   This accounts for the alarming statistic that 40% of all alien abductees are Scorpions.   97% of those have reported losing time on their way to and from the aircraft, while 21% reported that upon landing that their “butt was sore”.

Sagittarius – (Nov 22-Dec 21)

Happy go lucky!   Make a big pot of chili and throw in some junior mints.   Feed it to the neighbors dog, it’s a good way to overcome your hatred for Cocoa Puffs.

Capricorn – (Dec 22-Jan 19)

Today would be a good day not lick a gifthorse in the mouth.   Knowing your hand span may be useful in the upcoming week, although my crystal ball doesn’t know how or why.

Aquarius – (Jan 20-Feb 18)

You love your freedom in and out of the bedroom.   You’d rather be flowing freely than get stuck in a sticky situation, unless it’s in the bedroom.   Sometimes your life licks monkey balls, but at least you have super powers   and hordes of sexy friends.

Pisces – (Feb 19-Mar 20)

There’s no sense in being pessimistic today, it probably wouldn’t work anyway.   Keep your feet firmly planted on the ground,  and although it’ll be hard to put your pants on, it’s always wise to drink upstream from the herd.