Your Weekly Horoscope

- by Patty Seazle

Capricorn: (Dec 22-Jan 19)

This is your week to celebrate, whether it be a new love interest or perhaps a job promotion.  Throw a party! One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor!

Aquarius: (Jan 20-Feb 18)

A 5-star hotel doesn’t compare to all those stars in the sky. Take time to notice them this week, and let them put a twinkle in your toes.

Pisces: (Feb 19-Mar 20)

There’s electricity in the air and you’re likely to be the recipient of more than one admiring glance. Suck that shit up! And change the sheets.

Aries: (Mar 21-April 19)

Danger, violence, excitement, nudity and sex are words that are used in movie advertisements, but rarely happen in your life. An old nutty cat lady with a crystal ball has more fun than you.  Get out there and shake it up!

Taurus: (April 20-May 20)

Whilst this horoscope may not apply to all of you, it seems worthwhile to mention that you’ll have a great week if you’re name is Margaret. Or Maggie. Or Marge…. Or Mildred. Or Max. Or Marvin. You’re right, the stars are not all that clear.

Gemini: (May 21-June 20)

Your much treasured intelligence gets a boost today, with a rush of insightful energy. Try probing areas of knowledge unknown to you such as stability, humility and sanity.

Cancer: (June 21-July 22)

The horrors of the baked bean legend may trouble you as last nights dinner  tries to catch up with last weeks. Unfortunately you’ll be crossed off many gift lists at the most inopportune time.

Leo: (July 23-Aug 22)

An important job interview? Can’t find your clothes? They’re laying crumpled next to last night’s conquest’s bed. Your underwear and socks are nowhere to be found. But good luck!

Virgo:(Aug 23-Sept 22)

You’re feeling investigative this week, and may find yourself snooping around other peoples private belongings. They’ll find “yourself” too. Busted. You’re so pathetic.

Libra: (Sept 23-Oct 22)

Vegetables make you think naughty thoughts this week, so bear that in mind when visiting the market, it could leave you red-faced like a beetroot. Are you thinking about a beetroot? Cut it out.

Scorpio: (Oct 23-Nov 21)

The best things in life are free, including back massages and sex. This is a good week for you Scorpio. You’re insane in the membrane.

Sagittarius: (Nov 22-Dec 21)

Don’t worry, that cigarette burn on your arm will fade over the next few days, and be replaced by a tattoo of a young lady wearing nothing but roses.

Please direct any emails to Pete@westseattlefunblog.com.  He’ll be sure Patty gets them (the ones that don’t get censored, that is).