Your Weekly Horoscope

- by Patty Seazle

Capricorn: (Dec 22-Jan 19)

Is the moon rising in your house, or are you just happy to see me? This week your destiny wears the bicycle helmet of a 9 year-old. I suggest getting your Google freak on, reality is way overrated this week.

Aquarius: (Jan 20-Jan Feb 18)

You love water, which is great because water loves you! The Heavens recommend 8 glasses a day, but you and I both know that you’ll pee 16. Your call. Your lucky people are musicians.

Pisces: (Feb 19-Mar 20)

If you see a fat man, who’s jolly and cute, wearing a beard and a funny red suit, with eight tiny reindeer to pull him along, let’s face it, your eggnog’s too strong.

Aries: (Mar 21-Apr 19)

A tender romantic encounter is out of the question this week. Plan to share your deepest emotions with a Red Baron Pizza. Eschew your food.

Taurus: (April 20-May 20)

Taurus, you little bull, do you need a hug? Your bluebird of happiness runs off with a fast talking parakeet this week. You’re going to have to make your own sunshine for a while. Or simply get even.

Gemini: (May 21-June 20)

Pluto enters your sign, and I see a new love developing. Dark and dynamic, with eyes like chocolate, you’ll be swept off your feet. Instead of chilling out, you will no doubt be chilling in.

Cancer: (June 21-July 22)

Most welfare recipients are Cancers. Will you ever make anything of yourself? Treat yourself to some extra strength Tylenol at dusk. You’re on the darkside of the stars.

Leo: (July 23-Aug 22)

Do you really think those balls of fire that are millions of light years away, and completely beyond our reach, actually affect daily occurrences in our lives? It’s either a damn coincidence, or it’s completely irrelevant. Get a grip.

Virgo: (Aug 23-Sept 22)

You think you have all the solutions, but when the hero blows up a giant squid in a bad movie, it rains calamari for days. Get some tartar sauce and consider it win/win.

Libra: (Sept 23-Oct 22)

Forget the white knight on his proud horse, you’d settle for an old graying hippie with a high limit credit card. Drop the damsel-in-distress and just stay groovy baby.

Scorpio: (Oct 23-Nov 21)

Opportunity is knocking at your door this week, aren’t you going to answer it? It’s one of those pesky bill collectors, I bet.  Where’s the opportunity in that, you ask? She’s hot you fool, answer the damn door.

Sagittarius: (Nov 22-Dec 21)

You mean well, but your gestures are about as welcome as a punk rocker at a polka party. Instead, ask yourself “What would Paris do?” Get out there and slam dance to those accordion tunes.