Your Weekly Horoscope

- by Patty Seazle

Capricorn: (Dec 22-Jan 19)

Why is it that you love to be seen talking on your cellphone? First off, you have to turn it on, secondly, you don’t have any friends to call, goatboy. Capricorns went out of style back in the 80’s.

Aquarius: (Jan 20-Feb 18)

When people are talking to you, you tend to zone out, leaving the conversation hopeless. Are you having an out of body experience, and talking to the guy 5 feet away? Try to focus more, and stop channeling strangers.

Pisces: (Feb 19-Mar 20)

You will achieve historical greatness, by sheer fluke this week. Michelangelo, George Washington and Albert Einstein were all Piscean. But then again, so was Ted Kennedy, and the Geo Metro.

Aries: (Mar 21-April 19)

Keep your ego in the closet this week, you’re on the verge of becoming a pain in the ass Virgo. Your lengthy Christmas list will not do. Tell your family  that you want a sweater……or a screamer….or a  moaner.

Taurus: (April 20-May 20)

You’re up one minute and down the next. It probably stems from being beaten out the first spot in the zodiac, by Aries. If nothing is wrong, then that in itself is wrong. Stop psychoanalyzing everything.

Gemini: (May 21-June 20)

You’re always on the move, headed to your next delusional grandeur. Everywhere you go, there’s comedy and laughter, which would be great if you were trying to be funny. You’re capable of being very unhip.

Cancer: (June 21-July 22)

You’re trying to grab attention any way you can this week. Please put self-immolation out of your mind, and make sure your morning breath doesn’t make it to the afternoon.

Leo: (July 23-Aug 22)

You’ll be appointed to take all of your drooling, drunken friends home this week, and these friends are usually Pisceans. They’re dragging you down, and you’re lucky that Hell lets Leos bring beer.

Virgo:(Aug 23-Sept 22)

Stop trying to regulate your breathing and color-coordinate the clothes in your closet. Instead of seeing things black and white, you only see them as clean or dirty. Have you ever been busted belching? No, I didn’t think so.

Libra: (Sept 23-Oct 22)

Everyone loves a Libra, because everyone loves a schizophrenic. Libra is Latin for “ I’m okay, I’m  okay.” You tend to take a lot of medications, although some are not always legal. Hollywood is full of Libras.

Scorpio: (Oct 23-Nov 21)

Many Scorpios have found ways to successfully smoke in the shower. Your strong sex drive is even stronger this week, which gives you another reason to smoke.When the itch of writing overcomes one, nothing can cure it but the scratching of a pen.

Sagittarius: (Nov 22-Dec 21)

You love to be naked, and most would prefer it if you were naked and crocked. 97% of all the Mad Dog has been consumed by Sagittarians. Stop confusing your ulcers with all that Pepto-Bismol this week.