Your Weekly Horoscope

- by Patty Seazle

Capricorn: (Dec 22-Jan 19)

Fortunately life insurance policies don’t exclude death benefits for those who die of venereal diseases, as a significant high percentage do.  Gaseous clouds have been detected around Uranus.

Aquarius: (Jan 20-Feb 18)

You can turn the world on with your smile. Accept love and chocolate graciously.  Have you been bowling lately?

Pisces: (Feb 19-Mar 20)

Your  temper has and will get you a well deserved punch in the mouth.  People are tired of you sponging off everyone and you’re an expert dodger of restaurant checks.  A Pisces and his money can throw one hell of a party.

Aries: (Mar 21-April 19)

You are inclined to carelessness, and impracticality,  making the same mistakes over and over again.  Kick you know who to the curb, their mind is in the gutter anyway.

Taurus: (April 20-May 20)

Your demands are ridiculous, face it.  All of your fast-food orders will be wrong and you will no doubt starve. You’re only a bull on the outside.

Gemini: (May 21-June 20)

Nobody needs to know the crappola you know.  Geminis are and should be beaten regularly.  The quickest way to stop organized crime is to export all of you.

Cancer: (June 21-July 22)

Some Cancers use nude sculptures for masturbation, often finding contusions and abrasions on the genitalia.  Don’t squat with your spurs on.

Leo: (July 23-Aug 22)

Your sense of humor runs to bathroom jokes and your favorite limerick is “The young fellow named Dave, who kept a dead whore in a cave.”  Nice.

Virgo:(Aug 23-Sept 22)

Cuckoo clock.  You’re on task by the hour on the hour.  Organization makes your heart flutter.  Note to self:  Change batteries in pacemaker.

Libra: (Sept 23-Oct 22)

Your whirled-class energy, dynamic spirit and bisexuality are what makes you so popular.  Your animated personality is a bit much, however.

Scorpio: (Oct 23-Nov 21)

You will be out charmed by Aquarians this week, and you can’t understand it. Many exhibitionist are born under this sign, make it a stimulating week!

Sagittarius: (Nov 22-Dec 21)

Time to clean out the trunk, I found Jesus.  He came back from Tijuana with you last week.  For my next magic trick, I’ll need a condom and a volunteer.