AUSTIN, Texas, November 25, 2009 (WSFB-AC) - Yes, we are all looking forward to tasty home cooking and family bonding during this holiday season. But with the fun and frivol comes the annual migration of that gelatinous genome, yes, the cylindrical cran-beast, or as I like to call it, the Paul Prudhomme Bloodclot, known formally as canned cranberry sauce.

We don’t really know why we eat it; we just do it in the tradition of the Thanksgiving Feast. In fact, we really don’t give a shit if the pilgrims, who wouldn’t know a can of cranberry from a cockring, would approve. We Americans tend to cut corners on a Thanksgiving favorite by simply twisting open a trusty can and saying “Bon Appetit!”, leaving all the glory to the stuffing.

It is typically served on its side with 8-10 leaning cross slices, though there are variations on this theme. I have seen the simplest presentation (the Beached Whale) where the can is served long-side down, uncut and presented in its purest form. Less common presentations include the single can straight up (or Standing Hampton), two cans side-by-side long ways (the Cran-butt), or two cans standing up (the Twin Towers).

Well, I for one am tired with the usual treatment of this often disrespected fruit and offer these 10 ways to make your cranberry sauce experience more enjoyable:

Top Ten Ways to Make Your Canned Cranberry Sauce Experience More Enjoyable

10. Unload a dozen cans into a kiddie pool in the living area, climb in, and see if anyone “wants a piece of this”.

9.  Cube the contents and drop the cubes in a washtub of cider and call it “Bobbing for High School Fetuses”.

8.  Tell them it’s imported from Ireland and hum the song Linger as it is passed down the line.

7. Stand the can up and slice it across and down and play Cranberry Sauce Jenga with the whole family.

6. Stand it up in the center of the table and apply Mr. Potato Head parts to make it look like various guests and family members.

5. Poke some quarters into the sauce and see who gets a “money” slice.

4. Set in a small box with a hole in the side and call it “Pilgrim’s Glory Hole”.  Adding a random “Plymouth Rock” joke would be a nice touch.

3. Put two slices over your eyes and say “Look, I’m craaaazy Mr. Cranberry Sauce Face!”

2. Give it that appealing English arrogance by referring to it the whole dinner as “Crahn-bree Soss”.

1. Put one slice over your eye, stretch out your arms and yell, “Adrianne!!” until someone gives you a hug.

Happy Thanksgiving!