WEST SEATTLE, Washington, December 23, 2009 (WSFB) – This December 25th Santa Claus will have a little help from two friends, his once deadly rival and South America icon Santana Claus and his Cold War enemy Stalin Claus.
Due to an increase in population and development of consumerism around the globe, Santa Claus recently announced that he would not be able to make all of his toy drops this Christmas and would need assistance. Some of his scientist elves at the North Pole alerted him to the issue late last week, citing particular concern with coverage in South America and Northern Asia.
Santa found himself left with little option other than to call Santana and Stalin Claus, who used to be fierce competitors of Santa Claus. “I did not want to call Stalin, and I didn’t even know how to get a hold of Santana, but nobody else owns a sled capable of this size of delivery, and there are only so many flying reindeer in existence,” Santa told the WSFB.
Prior to Santa Claus gaining the majority of his fame during the 19th century, the industry of delivering toys during Christmas was a violent one. Three different Claus’s (Santa, Santana and Stalin) competed for territory across the globe in order to capitalize on the money and fame that was brought by making children happy.
For a century Santa Claus (representing North America and Europe), Santana Claus (representing South America) and Stalin Claus (Representing most of Northern Asia) met each year over the South Pacific ocean in order to battle each other with their sleds and determine who would deliver toys to emerging nations and civilizations around the planet. These yearly fights were very violent, with many reindeer and innocent South Pacific islanders dying during the course of action.
While the ultimate prize was increased fame and money, there also were other reasons for the Claus trio to go to war with each other. The Claus residence at the North Pole, as well as services from the infamous “Mrs. Claus”, were at stake each year. “The Mrs. has been around the block a few times,” Santa said. “She can’t keep her hands off anyone, not even the elves.”
During the first few decades their battles were quite even, with each Claus winning once every three years, leaving the other participants bloodied, bruised and often near death. However, as time went on Santa Claus and Stalin Claus became increasingly powerful as their territories and technology grew, while Santana Claus’ territory began to shrink.
Sometime around 1935 Santana Claus stopped coming to the yearly conflict, relinquishing much of his territory to Santa Claus. What happened after this is unclear, but many believe he became heavily involved, and found much success, in the drug trade that was flourishing between South and North America. He was last photographed in Chile in 1976 and was believed to have gone underground.
With the exodus of Santana Claus, Santa and Stalin Claus were left to battle over the fate of toy delivery world. While Santa Claus did enjoy fame and money, he also was overly concerned with whether or not the children he delivered toys to were naughty or nice each year, often times demonstrating his hard line stance on the issue by bringing bad children coal, or simply nothing at all during Christmas. Stalin Claus on the other had was not as judgmental with his delivery process. However, often times all the children he delivered toys to got the same toy, which kept down on his costs and was in line with his communist ways. When the production run ended each year Stalin Claus refused to increase his supply, regardless of the demand, yet the money he spent on stockpiling sled weapons grew. Children with Stalin Claus’ territory found themselves increasingly disappointed each year and often asking their parents if Santa Claus could come instead of Stalin Claus. This, and a number of sled battle victories by Santa eventually forced Stalin Claus into retirement, leaving Santa Claus as the supreme ruler of December 25th.
Yet now in 2009 Santa Claus has found himself reaching out to his old enemies, and asking them to find their holiday spirit once again to help bring Christmas to children around the globe. Stalin Claus, while at first suspect at Santa’s motives, agreed to assist Santa after bargaining for “one last night” with Mrs. Claus. Santa, though reluctant at first, did agree to let Stalin nail Mrs. Claus one last time if he helped him out.
With Stalin Claus recruited, Santa then went out to find Santana Claus. After hiring multiple private elf investigators Santana was found living in a highly fortified compound in Columbia. Santana Claus agreed to help this year, as long as he could leverage his route this Christmas to also traffic drugs to some of the nations in South America and Asia. Santa agreed with Santana’s terms, though he insisted that no drugs be smuggled via the toys destined for children, which Santana eventually conceded to.
Stalin Claus is apparently still somewhat skeptical of the arrangement, issuing a press release in which he declared his “hesitance to fully trust comrade Santa Claus.” Santana Claus on the other hand is excited to resume a life he gave up nearly 80 years ago. “The only thing I enjoy trafficking more than drugs is toys, and I’m excited to see my Ese’s again,” Santana Claus said.
So this Christmas if you see a Russian or Latin man dressed as Santa in your living room don’t be alarmed, it is likely two old acquaintances of Santa just lending a hand. And if you’re feeling generous consider leaving goulash and voldka, as well as flat soda and taquitos, next to the cookies and milk on Christmas Eve, as you never know which Claus might land on your roof.
