WEST SEATTLE, Washington, March 30, 2010 (WSFB) – The West Seattle Funblog is a big supporter of the United States Military. We don’t care what your position on the war on terror is, but the troops are upstanding, red-white-and-blue blooded Americans through and through.
In the Funblog’s continuing spirit of giving and community service, we have collected donations and assigned them for delivery to our troops in both Afghanistan and Iraq.
Our gift? Porn.
“It’s just not safe for a soldier to wander around the streets of Fallujah with a loaded gun,” said Funblog Counsel, Stefano Durango. “That damn thing could go off anytime. Our hope is that with our donations, weapons of mass reproduction can be discharged on-base, in the privacy of one’s quarters.”
Porn for soldiers was banned by former President George W. Bush, but this policy has seen changes under the Obama Administration.
Said Kevin Johnson, Spokesdick for Military Support Operations, “Out of respect for the mostly Muslim populations of these countries, we’ve decided to allow porn on U.S. military bases in both Afghanistan and Iraq. We don’t need our male soldiers walking around like sundials, our female soldiers jilling off in the shade of a minaret, or any of them playing Abu Ghraib-ass in public.”
“We refuse to let our soldiers act like sex kittens in a country-sized catbox,” continued Johnson. “With the support of donatatory outfits like the West Seattle Funblog, our troops will get through these conflicts safely and without excessive semen buildup. And whatever it is that builds up inside our lady soldiers.”
When asked about the sexual nature of the porn, Johnson stated, “Until our Commander in Chief says otherwise, we’re obliged to adhere to the Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell policy, and this applies to porn. All porn donations are strictly of a heterosexual nature, though we think a few girl-girl type issues did make it through. But the balance of the gay porn, including all guy-guy porn, is safely secured in my garage until we’re permitted to release it.”
With West Seattle Funblog leader Luigi Linguini currently being held at an undisclosed Al-Qaeda location, assumed to be in Afghanistan, hopes are high that some of this porn will filter his way.
“It is widely known that there is widespread corruption throughout these war zones,” said Durango. “Military care packages are often stolen and sold on the black market. We can only hope that at least one issue of JUGS makes it into Luigi’s hands. It’s his favorite.”
Pete@westseattlefunblog.com
