AUSTIN, Texas, December 21, 2009 (WSFB-AC) –  The proud tradition of journalistic excellence, innuendo, double/triple/quadruple entendre, and general Patronmanship reached a climax on Friday with the presentation of the first annual Kevin R. Johnson Awards for Various Kinds of Shit.

These prestigious awards recognize distinguished achievement in investigative reporting, electronic media, tentacle porn, pixie porn, gourd porn, other porn, fuckleberry recipes, onomatopoeia, and generally just all kinds of shit. The WSFB-AC took home some serious hardware, with all 7 members of the staff winning at least one award. Here is a quick run down on the winnings:

The Dick Cheney Award for Outstanding Plagiarism – was presented to Cybil Stepford for her hysterically funny but shamelessly pilfered article “Santa Claus Monitors Facebook for Naughty/Nice Evaluations – Mass Layoffs Expected at North Pole.”

V² won two awards (predictably) – The KY & Hallmark Award for Fisting Greeting Cards and the Discovery Health Award for Best Multiple Genitalia Articles. We are not sure exactly what V² did with here trophies as they haven’t been seen since the award ceremony and she’s been walking with a bit of a limp.

The Ben-Wa Balls of Steel Award went to Tony Cahones for his piece “Def Leppard Cancels Last… Arm of Tour”. Or it may have just been for his piece. Either way…nicely done.

The Bram Stoker Best New Bisexual Euro-trash Vampire Serial Killer Who Speaks of Himself Only in the Third Person went to Brock Duvalier, though admittedly the field was limited.

The Economy of Words Award went to Foni Meloni, who says so much by saying so very, very, very little.

Rip Buckus was the recipient of the I’m Too Good for You Douches and Too Sexy for My Shirt Award. Of course he did not pick up his award in person. Dick.

Finally, yours truly humbly and graciously accepted the Catholic Diocese of Austin Anti-Christ Award.