AUSTIN, Texas November 17, 2009, (WSFB-AC) — In a surprising announcement today, Homeland Security Secretary Janet Napolitano proclaimed that the U.S. border “now more secure than the Hope Diamond if it were lodged up Chuck Norris’ ass.”

Known for her hands-on approach to immigration issues and intimate knowledge of Chuck Norris’ ass, Napolitano was quoted as saying, “Look, I’ve been banging illegals during my summer vacations in Arizona since 1993, and I’m here to tell you, the numbers are down.  At this rate, I don’t know who the fuck is going to clean my pool, literally or metaphorically.”

With over 600 miles of the 2,000 mile border fence secured with state of the art wall technology (as seen in this recent photo), the announcement was not well-received and was repeatedly interrupted by a small group of men dressed in khaki-green pantsuits revving leafblowers over their heads.

“At $10 million per mile, this gawdamn thing better sing the gawdamn National Anthem, and I mean the ‘merican one!” responded an angry Lamar Smith (R-TX) to Napolitano’s announcement.  “I mean, this gawdamn thing has gaps in it wider than Kirstie Alley’s gawdamn whisker biscuit.”

Republicans continue to contend that the failure to control illegals crossing the border results in the loss of valuable U.S. jobs but acknowledged that the landscaping along the fence was really quite lovely.

Sen. Charles Schumer (D-N.Y) stated he would introduce legislation sometime in the future to determine how we can spend the equivalent of one billion enchiritos on the continued construction of the Great Wall.  “We are on a roll here, kids.  I tell you, there hasn’t been this much material erected since the Janet Jackson’s boob fell out during the Super Bowl XXXVIII halftime show.”