EL PASO, Texas, July 15, 2010 (WSFB) – The Obama Admistration, on the hot seat for not doing anything about illegal aliens entering the country primarlily from the south, have taken a hard-line approach to the issue with a decisive new policy. The U.S. has annexed all of Northern Mexico and created a soft-line.
“Now they’re not illegal,” said President Obama from the first family’s Independence Day Cancun bungalow. “So shut the fuck up.”
Mexico is a much larger country than that depicted in the map seen here. But this is the map the Obama Administration used to determine the new southern border of the United States, so it’s probably good enough for us Funbloggers, too.
Said Kevin Johnson, Obama Press Secretary: “Most of the Mexico our citizens already know is in the Northern half of the country. We know the beaches, the border crossings, and the Alaska and Delta Airlines flights that get us there. How handy would it be if they were part of the U.S. and we could all use American dollars and cross freely? That’s the point behind this remarkable piece of legislation. That and getting rid of this illegal alien problem.”
In Texas, the general consensus is more based on the weather.
“We’ve been part of Meh-hee-co for purt near all time, so this doesn’t do much for us in terms of who’s here and who’s not,” said Texas Lieutenant Governor, Bubba Pearl. “But this is surely gonna fuck up our weather. We’ve been a southern-most state and vacation destination for some time now. This lowereing of the southern border is likely to bring icy wind and snow. We don’t have mountains that can support skiing and snow-sports to the point of benefiting from this. Folks are now going to flock to the southernmost states of North Mexico, whatever the fuck those states are gonna be called.”
Johnson addressed this issue. “We’re leaning towards Americanizing Northern Mexico’s new state names,” he said. “Chihuahua, Coahuila, and Tamaulipas sound a little too…. Mexican for our tastes. We’re leaning in the direction of New Texas, Southern Southern California, Old New Mexico in Old Mexico, and Michelle. That last one was handpicked by the President and has lovely, sandy beaches.”
Addressing the protocol for annexation, Johnson said,”Considering the U.S military is tied up in Afghanistan and Iraq for the foreseeable future, we don’t anticipate military action to enforce the annexation. In fact, with the budget cuts, we only printed this law in English and didn’t really expect the Mexicans to understand it or even care. But they responded, surprisingly, and their response came in Spanish, which no one in the State Department can read.”
“This really is a quagmire,” mused Johnson. “It’s become a war of words that no one can win.”
