AUSTIN, Texas, June 14, 2010 (AFB) – The heat. The unbearable heat is already here, and it’s only May. School isn’t even out for summer, and the humidity is already so high that just walking to the mailbox can take your hair from silky smooth to looking like something that sprouts from the head of a terra cotta Scooby Doo.
Third degree burns from the metal part on your seatbelts. Your thighs sticking to your leather seats. Your dog pissing in the utility room so he doesn’t burn the pads of his paws while walking across the concrete patio to get to the crunchy brown lawn. Everybody is suffering.
You know what this means. Time to load up the kids and head for the neighborhood swimming pool!
That’s right, the neighborhood pool. Were it not hotter than the surface of the sun here in Central Texas, you could not pay me enough money to endure the cavalcade of hairy backed men in speedos (We all know where Gorillas in the Mist was really filmed now, don’t we?) and the veritable circus of other neighborhood “regulars” who frequent this giant Petri dish from dawn til dark. But, like I said: it’s hot. And I can’t very well be stuck indoors with my children all day, can I? Plus, I have to admit, I get a kick out of people watching, especially when those people are wearing swimsuits. I feel better about myself when I tear others down.
I show up wearing something that looks like it came from “The Manson Family goes to the Beach” swimwear line — you’ve seen me, I’m sure – giant sunglasses, gauzy coverup, big floppy hat. I sit in the shade and drink margaritas from one of the kids giant water bottles and relax and enjoy the show. These are my neighbors, God love them. Fat, skinny, pale, orangey and streaky from self-tanners, naturally bronzed and toned (bitches), shag carpet covered backs, delusional (Honey, that little skirt that’s attached to your suit isn’t fooling anybody. Those thighs should be on a table marked “Hail Damage Special”.), they all come here to cool off, flirt with each other’s spouses, judge each other’s kids for either being too skinny or too fat, and to remind themselves that there is always someone who looks worse than they do in a bathing suit. Or maybe that’s just me. I’m just glad they go heavy on the chlorine.
Read more Cybil Stepford and check out what vodka and xanax can do to a soccer mom on the West Seattle Funblog’s new sister site, The Austin Funblog, at www.austinfunblog.com!
