AUSTIN, Texas, January 11, 2010 (WSFB-AC) - So many of us suffer through corporate buzzwords at our jobs. We learn to fit in by speaking in a bizarre language that few of us truly understand. As a benefit to the community at large, I have compiled a list of some frequently used workplace phrases, their translations, and some new alternatives that I hope will catch on in 2010.

PICK YOUR BRAIN

Usage: I want to use you for your information, then steal it and make everyone believe that I am brilliant. Generally used by upper management when talking to a subordinate in hopes to pilfer new ideas.

Try instead:  Pick your position so that I can butt-rape you.

Translation: It’s the honest approach; someone always has to take it up the ass in the corporate world, and baby…today it’s you.

THE BALL IS IN YOUR COURT

Usage: Everyone is waiting on you to do something so the project can move forward.

Try instead: Your balls may be cut off.

Translation: Hurry up and finish your task before I kick your balls into the roof of you mouth and then finish you off by kicking your ass to the curb.

HEADS UP!

Usage: Used to convey urgency on a forthcoming item that will most likely have a short turnaround time and cause you a huge amount of stress.

Try instead: Head Down (as in – someone’s lap)

Translation: There is a project coming that if you do not finish quickly, you will find your little booty on the street where you will be forced to give head to make a living.

THINK OUTSIDE THE BOX

Usage: No one really knows. This is one of the most obnoxious and overused office phrases around. Probably meant to convey thinking creatively or developing unique ideas or some other bullshit like that.

Try instead: Think while inside of your box

Translation: This is a unique way to confuse someone into having sex, while at work.  Added Bonus: If caught, you can tell your HR department that you misunderstood the meaning of the original annoying catch phrase.

TOUCH BASE

Usage: Annoying sports talk meant to convey: Can we meet and talk?

Try instead:  Touch your bases (as in “I want to”) or, Can we get to 3^rd base?

Translation: Isn’t this really what is on most people’s mind anyway? Come on, no one really cares about meeting with you and talking.

TAKE THIS OFFLINE

Usage: You have just royally f’d up by talking about something not meant for everyone’s ears.

Try instead: Take this off

Translation: Because you just screwed up so bad, you will be forced to take off an item of clothing, slowly, in front of everyone, while they videotape for the corporate website.

The list goes on and on.  Some other buzz words that I think you can see right through: “on the same page” (porno page that is), “drill down” (your underwear); “sweat equity” (after you have sex with me).

By reading between the lines of these subliminal buzzwords, I think you will agree that there is always a double meaning in corporate talk.  While some hot shot thought these would be pro-active and politically correct ways to walk the walk and talk the talk, they are actually nothing more than carefully worded threats and sexual innuendos. So give some of the new phrases a try when you return to the office after the holidays.  Good luck.