LOS ANGELES, California, December 11, 2009 (WSFB-AC) – Scooby Doo, the famous puppy actor of the 1970’s and 80’s, is facing a mystery even he may not be able to solve. Scooby is fighting a thirty year addiction to Scooby Snacks, and will be appearing on the VH1 television show Celebrity Rehab with Dr. Drew later this month.

Scoob’s public battle with addiction has rekindled the public discourse on the dangers Scooby Snack abuse. Scooby Snack use was thought to be on the wane, but it seems to have become popular again in recent years as low-cost Snacks from third-world countries like Columbia and Canada work their way across the borders.

Senator John McCain (R-Arizona) recently spoke out on the topic, as he tends to do regardless of the topic. McCain himself is known to have experimented with Scooby Snacks in the early 80’s, and there has been long-held speculation that his brief but public love affair with a 9-year old Cambodian transvestite puppeteer was fueled in part by the drug.

“An old enemy in America’s war on drugs has re-surfaced in recent months,” McCain said. “This time the target is not something expendable and easily replaced like children, but something far more precious – our dogs. There are reports from all around the country of dogs as young as 2 getting hooked on the dangerous, but-oh-so delicious little caramel flavored wafers.”

Drug Enforcement Agency experts have yet to identify exactly what is in a Scooby Snack, but the symptoms of use are hard to miss. Says agency spokesman Kevin Johnson, “It starts with an intense feeling of false courage and invincibility, similar to PCP. Unlike PCP, however, which is safe, non-addictive, and recommended by pediatricians, Scooby Snack use leads to all kinds of long-term consequences, such as intense hunger, engaging in extremely risky behavior like fucking with zombies, and a speech impediment that causes users to pronounce all words as though they begin with an “R”. Extended abuse can also cause delusions, teeth chattering, and an inability to predict obvious plot twists.”

Astro Jetson, another puppy star from that era and a recovering addict, speaks to young dogs around the world about the perils of Scooby Snack abuse. “Rure,” says Jetson. “It rarts out rate. You can rolve rysteries, run rooper, rooper rast, and you get these rudden rursts of rinsight rinto the rue rature of the runiverse. Retty roon, though, rou’re blrowing a ralley rat rehind a rumptster on Wilshire ror a rew rumbs of Rooby Racks.”