NEW YORK, New York, December 14, 2009 (WSFB-AC) – Fox News’ commentator Glenn Beck has single-handedly disproved the theory of evolution by simply existing.

Evolution was a theory held by most scientists around the world that modern man evolved over millennia through a process of mutation and natural selection. The conventional wisdom was that a random gene mutation would make an animal either more or less able to survive and reproduce in a given environment, thereby passing on its mutated gene and ensuring the “survival of the fittest”.

However, Glenn Beck’s very existence has unequivocally disproved the myth.

“Look,” Beck told his TV audience on Thursday. “Have you heard the stuff that comes out of my mouth? I still think that Iraq has weapons of mass destruction. I have considered running on a ticket with Sarah Palin. I said that the Obama administration is setting up concentration camps as part of a secret plot to establish authoritarian rule. I called the birther movement a legitimate news story. I think the word “illegal” is a noun instead of an adjective. Does anything of that sound the least bit “evolved” to you? If you Google “stupid things Glenn Beck has said, you get over 8 million hits. I’m a borderline retard, yet still I exist. That does not sound like evolutions to me.”

Kevin Johnson, Director of the now-defunct Human Genome Project, reluctantly agreed with Beck. “We thought we were on to something with this whole evolution thing,” said Johnson. “But we started looking at Beck and it his existence made our theories of human evolution obsolete. His existence also pretty much rules out the ideas of a benevolent God or Intelligent Design. Frankly we’re pretty much starting over from scratch. Right now we’re kind of leaning towards the idea that three water serpents ate three heaven dwellers and pooped out the planets, but there is still some work to be done there.”

“Those left wing liberals would have you believe that we evolved from monkeys,” said Beck. “I am here to tell you that I am not more evolved than a chimp. In fact, I think you can make an argument that I’m still several hundred generations behind a chimp. And it’s not just me. I have 2.5 million viewers, and that is a lot of stupidity. That ‘evolution’ myth simply cannot explain that.”