NEW ORLEANS, Louisiana, January 27, 2010 (WSFB) - A recent run on alligator skin products has created a shortage of gator meat for restaurants up and down the West Coast. Gator meat is exclusively farm-raised in Louisiana for export around the country and Canada, Mexico, and particularly Scotland, where gator meat is believed to have a chemical reaction to haggis that triggers much better enunciation of the English language and decidedly snappier bagpipe melodies in pipers.

The West Coast is at the bottom of the export list because the alligator farmers feel West Coasters already have a lot of other exotic meat options, given their propensity for trendy critter dishes paired with various combinations of arugala, goat cheese, nuts, dried berries, pomegranate juice, and arrays of colorful baby root vegetables.

“West Coast restaurants have a long list of tasty options for unusual meats that their customers will eat,” said Wally Dufresne, President of the Louisiana Gator Farmers Coalition, in a statement last week. “The problem is there is a sudden run on gator products nationwide. The manufacturers will pay much more for tail than the food service industry, so farmers are giving it all up to the manufacturers and getting rich. Not surprising, really – my cousin Aquanetta is a hooker in D.C., and she told me the manufacturing industry lobbyists pay a lot better than the food industry lobbyists. And I don’t need to tell you if anyone’s an expert on paying for tail, it’s a D.C. hooker.”

The chief culprit in this trend is not cowboy boots, as is commonly believed. There is a new naturopathic movement promoting health benefits for women who use gator skin douche bags to improve their libidos and prevent wrinkles. Current holistic health research has shown the use of gator skin for douching imparts minerals and enzymes which stimulate the production of the libidinous hormones bootayogen, cootairogen, and getmethatogen. The increase of these hormones also promotes elasticity in the skin, tendons, ligaments, and standards.

In a recent interview for Hot Cougar Health News, researcher Kitty Coocharetti stated, “This is exciting news for middle-aged ladies who still want to get down and dirty – and smooth and pretty. There is now a natural alternative to plastic surgery and drug therapies.”

Gator Poon Ladies Balloons, the sole manufacturer and patent holder for alligator feminine products, has signed Susan Sarandon as their National media spokesperson.  Said Sarandon at her press conference, “As a somewhat older diva who is tired of resembling a dried apple doll with a marginal eating disorder, I am thrilled there is a solution to both restoring my vanity to its unbridled obsessive splendor and resuscitating my libido to its former aggressively indifferent but manipulative fervor. This is a banner day for aging self-possessed man-eaters worldwide, indeed!”

Look for Gator Poon Douche Bags® on your local drugstore shelves beginning on Valentine’s Day next month.