BOSTON, Massachusetts, December 10, 2009 (WSFB) - Leading climatologists at M.I.T. have released the findings of a study that purports to have discovered how to reduce greenhouse gases naturally and without raping the American public through unneeded regulation.

Dr. Michael (Mike) Hunt, head of the M.I.T. climate research center, has begun human trials in flatulent carbon retort. He explains it as a process whereas the methane gas produced in mammalian flatulence literally cooks the carbon dioxide, recently declared a poison by the EPA, exhaled by other mammals.

In tests with lab rats, the levels of carbon dioxide decreased 75% after one rat farted in the face of another rat upon the exhalation of the second rat.

Employees of a coal fired power plant in Western Pennsylvania have been asked to participate in the human trials of flatulent carbon retort. They enter a hermetically sealed room jokingly referred to by workers as the “farting chamber” and are encouraged to release methane gas into the room through their anus. Relaxed sphincters are a real plus here. The gas is then directed via internal ducting to the smoke stacks where carbon dioxide and other greenhouse gases escape into the atmosphere. It has been a resounding success so far.

The applications appear to be limitless. The most obvious would be to send a group of flatulents to Washington D.C. to fart in the faces of elected officials whereby sucking out all the hot air on Capitol Hill and at the White House.

When asked why he began this study Dr. Hunt responded, “Ever since my brother and I were young boys we would entertain ourselves by lighting our farts and creating what we liked to call ‘blue angels’. I noticed that my brother would laugh so hard he would stop breathing. It has been my lifelong dream to put this gas to good use.”

And in a related story, after news of this report was leaked to the press House Speaker Nancy Pelosi volunteered to queef for the doctor but was told vaginal farts don’t have the same punch as intestinal gas.