DO NOT try to clear the jam!

WEST SEATTLE, Washington, August 10, 2010 (WSFB) -  In an effort to discourage the routine performance of bodily functions resulting in lost man hours, an emerging technology is making it possible for toilet paper to be even less usable in restrooms nationwide.

Previous innovations include the “one-sheeter”, the “folder”, “the Ripper”, the “80 Grit” the “why is this wet?”,  and now the state of the art… the MUTILATOR!

“Well, when you think about it,” says one ass-kissing mid-management suck-up,”when a worker drops a deuce, we here at Global Mega-Corp are paying for shit.”

“You get what you pay for,” states one restroom using employee, who wishes to remain anonymous.

The device Global Mega-Corp is counting on to stem the tide of number two they pay out for annually:

THE MUTILATOR

Employing a hybrid technology that attacks the toilet paper from numerous angles, the MUTILATOR really lives up to its name!

• a new improved over-sized spindle now features a sharper edge, rendering roll-rotation next to impossible.
• Our proprietary fluid emitted from dispenser onto toilet paper randomly serves to provide suspect moisture, AND to weaken its overall strength and structure.
• Mouth of dispenser now officially too small for even a nine year old sweatshop laborer to clear a jam.
• From above, a roll of razor tape rests atop the dampened roll. In the event that you get it rotating the razor tape provides an entirely new and unique inconvenience.

“We here at Global Mega-Corp are hoping to rein in those lost man hours,” says the ass-kiss, “and the MUTILATOR is going to help!”

Says the restroom user, “Am I wiping my ass or making confetti?? Ah, fuck it: I’ll just settle for using the slightly less inconvenient hand-towel dispenser… at least they are dry!”

The MUTILATOR is scheduled for roll-out later this month.