AUSTIN, Texas, November 09, 2009 (WSFB-AC)- Just days before his scheduled performance at the Frank Erwin Center in Austin, TX, multiple unnamed sources reported today that American stand-up comedian and film actor Dane Cook was suddenly converted to a spiritual form without first dying a normal human death, subsequently rising into the clouds and taking his rightful place in the celestial sphere.
Cook’s heavenly ascension occurred Monday night at approximately 11:36 PM, shortly following the completion of a scheduled appearance at Raleigh’s RBC Center.
According to eyewitness accounts, Cook was sipping a nationally available energy drink and preparing for an after party when he was engulfed in a heavenly glow.
As astonished onlookers watched, he rose gently from the floor and floated in mid-air briefly, raised his eyes to heaven, and then disappeared in a blinding burst of angelic fire, leaving behind only the faintest scent of Axe “Hot Fever” body spray to mark his passage into the ethereal realm.
Reports of Cook’s demeanor during his sudden deification varied. Rebekah Janslberg, who had been standing nearby Cook while sipping an Red Bull and vodka cocktail prior to the incident, claimed that Cook initially appeared alarmed at his unexpected ascension, but then “he just relaxed, and smiled. A sweet smile, like a little boy.”
However, Rebekah’s friend Chaz Djornol. contradicted her account stating, “Dude, he was totally not alarmed at all. He just was ice, dude, just like DAMN I’m floating and shit and then he was all WHOO! and then he shot the room a Su-Fi and the BAM! just disappeared yo.”
Reactions from Cook’s entertainment industry peers regarding his miraculous rise to divinity was equally divergent.
Actor/Director Mel Gibson reportedly has expressed interest in filming a biopic based on Cook’s life, chronicling his rise from obscurity to worldwide notoriety before his transformation into his purest essence and concurrent attainment of immortality, with Ryan Reynolds reportedly being courted to portray Cook in the film.
The Vatican had not yet released an official statement, but one source reached for comment noted that while Mr. Cook’s comedy was not necessarily to his liking the Judeo-Christian Lord is known to work in mysterious ways.
“Besides,” the source added, “there is currently no official Patron Saint of Popped Collars and/or Keg Stands” which could explain his “unexpected — but glorious nonetheless — recruitment.”
The Frank Erwin Center announced that it was unlikely that Cook will be appearing in corporeal form to perform his show – originally scheduled for Thursday the 12th – so soon following his glorious transubstantiation, and they will therefore be issuing refunds.
In their statement, Frank Erwin Center officials noted “Clearly, we can hardly expect Mr. Cook to just manifest in the physical realm on demand for our benefit. That said, we are hoping we can coax him to grace us with his beatific presence by booking a lineup of other comedians that were influenced by or benefited directly from Mr. Cook’s trailblazing comedic genius and benevolent works, including notable up-and-comers Louis C.K. and Joe Rogan, among others.”
Details regarding this event will be announced as information comes available.
