(Today brings us Part II of Cybil Stepford’s NYC Diet Series. Please see link at bottom of this article to re-read Part I from last week. Series Finale to post later this week!)
CEDAR PARK, Texas, March 29, 2010 (WSFB-AC) -
Day 3:
Weight lost: 1/4 lb.
Whoopdefreakindoo.
Woke up with the same headache I’ve had for the last few days and the beginnings of what I think is either demonic possession or PMS. Same difference.
My spouse is not speaking to me because I bit his head off this morning when he asked me if I wanted a bite of his breakfast taco. I know, I know… it’s not his fault. I’ll apologize to him later. If he comes home….
Oh, yeah, before I forget: egg whites, blah blah, Healthy Choice soup, lettuce and chicken. Yum. (Makes jerking off hand motion) Oh, and I caved in and had a small scoop of ice cream for dessert. Don’t judge. I’ll just work out more tomorrow to make up for it.
By the way, I had the funniest dreams last night…something about spiders and breathing walls! How crazy is that? Must be all those toxins flushing from my body. I’ve learned to really like that Dieter’s Helper Tea!
11:50pm: I swear to the Sun God Rah that oompah-loompahs are in my head trying to skull-fuck me from the inside! I just realized I was Abigail Adams in a previous life. The universe and its mysteries are all clear. E really does equal MC2 and I have a new theory about cold fusion. I’m sprouting an eleventh toe.
Day 4:
Weight gained: 1/4 lb.
Fucking ice cream.
Woke up crying this morning after having a dream about George Clooney… where George was not the star of the dream: the lasagna he was making me was the star. I could practically TASTE it!!
Alas, I am determined not to let my little set back screw up my diet. I am woman. Hear me roar!!!
Breakfast: Dieter’s Helper tea and nothing else. I’m on a MISSION.
Lunch: Lettuce with lemon juice, no chicken.
Midday snack… (I started to get woozy after I had a big fight with my friend about how she always says stupid shit and how it pisses me off. She was all “Fuck you!” and I was all “No, Fuck YOU.” It was wild.) Sugar free fat free cool whip. Just the cool whip. No jello. I ate the entire tub with my finger while watching Oprah. Hey, it’s no calories!! I’m not sure WHAT it’s got in it, but it promised me it’s got no calories.
Dinner: Everybody else was having steak and baked potatoes, so I had the same thing and then drank two tablespoons of Ipecac Syrup and spent the next hour and half barfing. (But the good news here is that my stomach was empty after that.) Ground up some Dieter’s Helper Tea leaves and snorted them off of the back of a Mariah Carey CD.
Side note: Spouse sleeping on couch tonight. I totally went off on the poor bastard when I found him sitting in his car in the garage eating ice cream. I know he was trying to hide it from me so as not to tempt me or whatever, but … Fucker.
Skinny, no cellulite-having FUCKER who can eat WHATEVER he fucking wants!! Sometimes I just want to hit him over the head with a cast iron skillet and bury him in the backyard…. collect the insurance money… go to Tahiti…. Huh?
Oh, bedtime: 8:30pm. No TV, because the commercials are all about food.
Tomorrow is a new day.
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Later this week on the Funblog! Cybil Stepford’s “NYC Diet” – Part III – The Finale!
Can Cybil pull this magical diet off in time to not get charged for an extra seat on Delta? Words of encouragement can be sent to Cybil via Pete@westseattlefunblog.com.
See Part I of this Series here: http://www.westseattlefunblog.com/funnews/national/cybil-stepfords-nyc-diet-part-i
