WEST SEATTLE, Washington, February 12, 2010 (WSFB) – Don’t be taken in by the promise of a succulent and flavorful core. Don’t be lured by the culinary siren and drift toward the rocks of this delightful perennial thistle.

The truth is this fucking thing has the ability to kill you and everyone around you. Dead.

Let’s step back from the organically sustainable section at your local organic green market shoppe, and take a good hard look at this deeply lobed assassin.

Scenario #1 – Picnic

You’re at the park with your family. Your picnic basket contains an array of delectable treats, including a freshly blanched artichoke. You’re standing while you prepare the table to receive your food items, when one of your children comes running up to you and you spiral around to grab the mayonnaise when you lance the poor child in the jugular vein and inflict mortal injury.

Scenario #2 – Sunday Dinner

You’re hosting a Sunday dinner. Aunt Fleaux from Boca Raton is in town and you decided to make a special dish; artichoke Parmesan dip. You’re in the kitchen, getting ready to prepare the uncooked artichoke when Aunt Fleaux enters the room unbeknown to you, and grabs you by the waist. You spiral around in fright, the artichoke stem firmly in your iron grip, and project the steely thistle into the belly of Aunt Fleaux causing her irreparable intestinal damage from which she later expires.

Scenario #3 – Those People

In this final scenario, you’re in the kitchen preparing an all artichoke dinner while  looking out the window that faces your street. You notice two of those people coveting your mailbox area and you decide to investigate. Because you’re in a fight or flight state of mind, you’ve still got the raw artichoke in your hand and you’re holding it like a dagger. You approach those people and say, “what’s all this then?”. They immediately flee towards Whiskey Woods and you do not give chase. Instead, you abruptly turn to go back into the house when you impale your neighbor Bob in the groin with your artichoke as he had come out to see what was going on and to assist you if necessary. You see, Bob is very tall and his groinal region is about elbow-level to you and well, it was an accident after all. Bob is not seriously injured, but he may as well be dead after having a raw artichoke jammed into his crotchal area omfg can you imagine the pain.

Clearly you can see the potential life threatening and reproductive  organ defecting capability of the modern artichoke. Don’t you think it’s about time you find another kind of thistle to eat?